In The News ...

Suddenly Andre: "Andre Agassi got a grand slam. When Dan Quayle heard, he asked, 'Was that with or without the bacon?'" (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Silly Science: According to a study, alcohol can raise the estrogen level in your body. "You know what this means? Budweiser is now the queen of beers." (Andrew Wisot)

Poised to Score: Atty. Gen. Janet Reno has been offered a job as a law professor at Florida State University. "And, if she wants it, a full football scholarship." (Jay Leno)

Stands to Reason: A man who died of natural causes on the New York City subway rode around for five hours before anybody noticed. "And afterward commuters said they didn't try to help because they thought it was just Al Gore campaigning." (Conan O'Brien)

Silly Science I: The American Medical Association is calling for a five- year ban on human cloning. "They need the time to figure out whether clones are covered by the original person's health insurance." (Daily Scoop)

Check Your Calendar: Last week was National Hermit Week. "And to celebrate, the Unabomber didn't call any of his friends." (Bill Williams)

Hef - The Man, the Myth: Ron Howard is reportedly making a movie about the life of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. Working Title: "*_Notting On_*." (Jim Rosenberg)

New BBC Head: The BBC sparked political controversy by picking TV executive Greg Dyke, the man at the helm of "Baywatch," as its next director-general ... He won't have any trouble with the executives at the BBC as he's used to working with phony, stiff-looking boobs...(Comedy On Tap)

Don't Kick 'Em When He's Down: "Robert Downey Jr. has been sent back to jail again for drug treatment. On the bright side, he has been named an honorary member of Major League Baseball." (Taylor)

Sleep Stalker: An Arizona killer's sleepwalking defense has failed in court. The case had some merit. A psychiatrist for the defense diagnosed him as an American Airlines pilot. (Alan Ray)

Problem Case: A mock court in Arizona today cleared Wyatt Earp, his two brothers, and Doc Holliday of any wrongdoing in the shoot-out at the OK Corral in 1881. And today, the Boulder, Colo., police department said, "There's been a shooting at the OK Corral?" (Steve Voldseth)

TV Movies: CBS and NBC both announced this week, they are doing TV movies on the life of Jesus. And of course, not to be outdone, today the Fox Network announced they're doing one as well. I believe they're calling it, "When Roman Soldiers Attack." (Voldseth)

New Study I: Vice President Al Gore released a government study Monday showing that people age 18-20 commit 24 percent of all gun murders. *_Gore called the study, commissioned by the National Organization to Divert Attention from Fundraising Illegalities, "alarming."_* (Jim Rosenberg)

New Study II: According to a recent study, children who sleep in their parents' bed do not become overly dependent when they grow up. However, there does appear to be a tendency for them to become Mrs. Woody Allen. (Steve Voldseth)

New Math: Scientists have discovered that the part of Albert Einstein's brain that controls mathematics was actually 15 percent larger than the average human brain. Imagine that -- 15 percent! That's what, almost double. (Steve Voldseth)

Thou Shalt Not: The House approves posting the 10 Commandments in schools despite the rather obvious Charlton Heston tie-in. I think he gets a 10 cent royalty on every Commandment. (Michael Feldman)

The Astute Newt: Newt Gingrich has been named a Hoover fellow -- he gets his first vacuum on Thursday. (Feldman)