In The News ...

The Bad Old Times: Two Amish men were sentenced to prison for plotting to sell drugs to Amish youths. "The lawyers tried to blame it on the negative influences of violent parlor games and hidden messages in Poor Richard's Almanac." (Bill Maher)

We Apologize in Advance: The Vatican is set to open a store in New York City. "It's going to be called Miracle on 34th Street." (Joe Kevany)

Home Truths: According to a government study, Los Angeles is the 17th- most dangerous city in the country for pedestrians. "Which is amazing to me. I don't see anybody walking in L.A." (Jay Leno)

Changing Channels: Britney Spears appeared on an ABC special in a dress so see-through the show had to be edited. "The dress was incredibly revealing. Apparently you could see both breasts and her plastic surgeon." (Conan O'Brien)

Wind Magnets: Mobile Home manufacturer Oakwood Homes Corp. says it is looking for a buyer. The National Weather Service is interested, with an eye towards using the inventory as "Tornado Detectors." (Jim Rosenberg)

Chinese farmer, Zhu Chaohui became the first man to jump over the Yellow River in Shaniz province on a motorcycle. Now, I don't want to say what's the big deal here, but his motorcycle did look suspiciously like a Titan missile. (Bill Williams)

Space Travels: NASA says public space travel will soon become a reality. Passengers would have to endure days of being crammed in one very small space. Or as Northwest Airlines calls it, "coach." (Alan Ray)

And the Oscar Goes To: "Michael Jackson bought the Oscar for best picture from 'Gone With the Wind' for $1.5 million. It's the highest price ever paid for a career metaphor." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

The Life of Jesus: "CBS and NBC are both working on movies about the life of Jesus. Not to be outdone, ABC is going to do one about God called 'The Michael Eisner Story'." (Taylor)

A Senior Simpson: "All in the Family" creator, Norman Lear has reportedly inked a deal to develop a weekly animated comedy series about a group of senior citizens who get together to talk about life. Hmm, a TV show featuring a bunch of old cartoon characters getting together every week to grumble about world problems -- I liked it better when it was called "60 Minutes." (Steve Voldseth)