In The News...

Stands to Reason: Survivors of a sinking cruise liner sang the theme song to "Titanic" throughout the ordeal. "Many other survivors spoke of how they jumped over the side to deal with impending horror of hearing that song again." (Jon Stewart)

More Need To Know: Federal accident investigators are calling for aircraft-style "black box" recorders to be fitted to other modes of transportation. It's catching on everywhere. Yesterday, Elizabeth Hurley had one fitted to Hugh Grant's BMW. (Bill Williams)

Help Wanted: After serving as chaplain in the House of Representatives for 20 years, James D. Ford is retiring. "It will be a tough position to fill. Who wants to try to save the souls of that many people who have made deals with the devil?" (Jerry Perisho)

I Spy: And more and more information continuing to come out now, on just how bad this Chinese espionage problem is. Now, they're saying the Chinese knew the winners of seven of the last eight championship boxing matches before Don King had even decided. (Steve Voldseth)

Big Girl Now: Some parents are giving their daughters breast implants for graduation. The only thing better than graduating with a D average -- graduating with a DD average. (Williams)

Springer Falls: Jerry Springer's ratings have dropped in recent weeks. Producers attribute the decline to a holiday. Among viewers, last Monday was "Take Your Daughter to Prison Day." (Ray)

That's Gratitude: President Clinton pushed to renew China's most-favored-nation trade status. "If Hillary can forgive anything, so can he." (Hamilton)

That's Gratitude II: "Hey, it's just our way of saying, 'Thanks for spying on us and ripping off our nuclear secrets.'" (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Late Night With Jim Lehrer: A new late-night national newscast from the team behind public television's "NewsHour with Jim Lehrer" is expected to make it on the air early next year. Working title: "Late Night with Inform-Me Elmo." (Jim Rosenberg)

New Appointment: President Clinton names gay ambassador: I didn't even know they had their own country! (Michael Feldman)

And Once More: A 14-year-old girl from Florida has won the national spelling bee. "And today Dan Quayle named her as his running mate." (Jay Leno)

It's So Clear: After 20 years of painstaking restoration, "The Last Supper" has been put on display in Milan, Italy. "Now you can see the sign on the wall behind Jesus: 'No shirt, no shoes, no salvation.'" (Bob Mills)

Anke Van dermeersch, a lawyer who reigned as Miss Belgium in 1991, said Sunday she would pose in the nude for Playboy magazine if she won a seat in voting for the European Parliament next Sunday. President Clinton leaves tomorrow on a "fact-finding" mission to get to the bottom of this. (Rosenberg)

Chances Are: The Federal Reserve's Alan Greenspan says the economy can't sustain this constant no-inflation growth, so he's going to raise the prime rate next month. But don't worry too much. He's only raising it a number equal to Dan Quayle's chances of winning the election. (Williams)