In The News...

We Expect Nothing Less: Rolls-Royce gave a sneak preview of its new Silver Shadow model, a hand-sculpted touring car that will retail at $300,000. "This car is so exclusive that its cup holder is an Englishman named Farnsworth." (Argus Hamilton)

Rule Britannia: Pfizer is suing the British government for advising doctors not to prescribe the anti-impotence pill Viagra. Britain is claiming that the sun is not the only thing which never sets on the British empire. (Jim Rosenberg)

Hypocrites???: The New York Times says it wants to discourage young people from smoking and will no longer accept cigarette advertising. This seems pretty hypocritical, because they want to encourage people to vote, yet they still cover Congress. (Rosenberg)

How many roosters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but boy is he henpecked! (Bill Williams)

Sorry Bill: Political insiders now are blaming Al Gore's supposedly low approval rating among women voters on "Clinton fatigue." In fact, today, Clinton apologized. He said, "I'm sorry... this has never happened to me before. I don't understand it..." (Steve Voldseth)

Chinese Checkers: President Clinton wants more trade with China. Despite cultural and political differences, both nations share a unique bond. For some reason, we have the exact same military technology. (Alan Ray)

Making Progress: The New Hampshire Legislature has finally voted to recognize Martin Luther King Jr. Day. "And in a surprise move, the Legislature declared that electricity isn't 'a danged nuisance' after all and might be worth looking into.'" (Williams)

Another Round: After serving time in jail for assault stemming from a traffic argument, Mike Tyson was released. "He didn't say who he'll fight next, but sources say it'll be either Evander Holyfield or some guy who cuts him off in traffic." (Conan O'Brien)

Act Your Age: A 10-year-old Maryland school boy has been suspended for three days for snapping girls' bras. Who says kids no longer want to grow up to be president? (Voldseth)

One for the Books: Tennessee passed a road-kill law that makes it legal for motorists to eat anything they run over. "Today in Nashville, Denny's introduced its new Pontiac Grand Am Breakfast." (Jay Leno)

Changing Channel: NBC's fall schedule includes a show about the White House, starring Martin Sheen as the president. "I think Charlie Sheen would be more accurate." (Leno)

Legal Line: A broker accused of swindling the Gambino crime family is in trouble with the Securities and Exchange Commission. "He double-crossed the mob and he's supposed to be worried about the SEC?" (Daily Scoop)

Springer Spice: Jerry Springer will tame down his talk show. He's trying for a slightly more sophisticated audience. He wants viewers from median-sized trailers. (Alan Ray)

The Body: Jesse Ventura has a new autobiography out. Apparently, a lot of his emotional issues date back to his childhood, when he was known as Jesse "The Potty" Ventura. (Rosenberg)

The Mouth: The New York Post reported Monday that Rosie O'Donnell asked the cast of Broadway's "Annie Get Your Gun" to remove the line "I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge" from one of the show's songs, "Anything You Can Do," because of her anti-gun views. O'Donnell has also asked that West Side Story be re-written so that the Sharks and Jets are competing contract bridge teams, instead of gangs. (Rosenberg)

Bob Dylan turned 58. ... Hepney epple irthundey, Bob! ... If you haven't gotten Bob a gift yet, you can't go wrong with the latest version of "Hooked on Phonics." ... 58... whooh! Remember when Bob used to slur his words together because it was hip? Now it's a whole different thing. (Voldseth)