In The News...

Up Chuck: Charlton Heston has been re-elected president of the NRA. He will push the organization's new slogan. "Crazy 'bout my gun."

Happy Birthday: Radio's Casey Kasem turned 67 on Tuesday. "Up a notch from last week at 66." (Dennis Miller)

That Is Suspicious: According to reports, thanks to stolen secrets, the Chinese military has been able to make the leap from the 1950s to the 1990s overnight. "Which is pretty amazing when you realize even the Republicans haven't been able to do that." (Jay Leno)

A Humming Bundle of Joy: Bill Gates and his wife had their second child. "Actually, Gates confessed, it's their first child. They just had it upgraded." (Conan O'Brien)

Survey Says: A survey last week said if people could ask God a question, 34 percent would ask "Why am I here?" Nineteen percent would ask if there's life after death, and 16 percent would ask why bad things happen. Now when they asked people in LA, their answers were a little different: 34 percent asked "When will my numbers increase?" Nineteen percent want to know will they ever develop safe implants, and the rest were worried that the attendant would ding their Beemers. (Bill Williams)

Changing Channels: Sources say that next season "Ally McBeal" will have more nudity. "In fact, Calista Flockhart has already hired a stunt pencil." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Silly Science: Psychologists studying video of Bill Clinton say that when he lies, he touches his nose. "And when he tells the truth -- well, they still don't know." (Cecera)

High Hopes: Plans are in the works for a Grateful Dead museum and theme park in San Francisco. "It's divided into two sections: smoking and really smoking." (Leno)

Not So Fair Play: A House panel has approved a measure to raise the salary of the president to $400,000 a year. "Unless Elizabeth Dole wins -- then it's 75 percent of that." (Miller)

New Study Explained: According to a recent survey, guys say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. And according to the same survey, women say the first thing they notice about a guy are his eyes waiting for her eyes to stop noticing where his eyes are looking. (Steve Voldseth)

Welcome To Oregon: Oregon has become the first state to issue photo I.D. cards to people who use marijuana for medicinal purposes. Or as Willie Nelson calls it, a driver's license. (Voldseth)

Guns Don't Kill People: In order to teach kids about guns, the Alabama Legislature is working on a law that would bring them into the classroom. So Alabama schools will be teaching the 3 R's again: Readin'; Writin' and Reloadin'. (Williams)

Changing Channels: Susan Lucci finally won a Daytime Emmy. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Love Letters: Joyce Maynard, the young girl who had an affair with writer J.D. Salinger 27 years ago, is selling his love letters. Mr. Salinger was 53 when he started dating the 18-year-old. Or as Woody Allen calls it, robbing the rest home. (Williams)

Basic Instinct: Wednesday was the Venastat Great American Cross-Out, the day women were supposed to not cross their legs for an entire day. Crossing legs leads to bad circulation. Cross-Out Legs Day, or as it's better known, Sharon Stone Day. (Williams)