In The News ...

Head of the Class: Hillary Clinton was principal for a day at a New York City Middle School. "Apparently the kids loved it because they could all fool around and she had no idea anything was going on." (Conan O'Brien)

On the Campaign Trail: Martha Stewart has reportedly made a large contribution to Al Gore's campaign. "And not only that, she's also given Gore tips on how to bring out his rich mahogany finish." (O'Brien)

Price List: Actor Hugh Grant says he wants to have children. How much extra is that? (Voldseth)

Making The Grade: Twenty-five San Diego State University business students got an "F" for cheating in an Ethics class. That's the bad news. The good news is they were given full "A+" transfer credits for "Modern Political Science." (Jim Rosenberg)

Smell That?: World Championship Wrestling is coming out with a cologne. "It actually doesn't smell like anything. You just pretend it really stinks." (Alex Kaseberg)

Monopoly: Microsoft has bought a multi-billion dollar stake in AT&T. Be prepared for the need to hang up your phone and call again for no reason. (Rosenberg)

On Trial: Larry Flynt is on trial for selling sexually explicit material to a 14-year-old, and if he loses, could get 24 years in jail. He's just lucky he didn't sell the kid a gun instead. The fine for that is 200 bucks! (Bill Williams)

One Every Minute: The Center on Policy Attitudes in Washington, D.C. says eight in 10 Americans don't trust government. Note to self: "There are two in 10 Americans I can sell my bridge to." (Williams)

On the Docket: The Supreme Court will decide the definition of "disabled." The issues include such questions as, Can an overeater or a sex addict be classified as disabled? "Currently, they're classified as president." (Argus Hamilton)

Premium Plus: Aetna has announced plans for bare-bones medical insurance that most Americans can afford. "The program has reduced benefits, but as long as you don't get sick, you're covered." (Ira Lawson)

Sound Familiar?: Thursday was officially No-Diet Day. "Don't we already have that? It's called the third day of any diet. 'That's it, I'm outta here!'" (Jay Leno)

Jesse "The Doll" Ventura: "The new Jesse "The Governor" Ventura action figure is now on the market. But the doll is not anatomically correct -- the foot does not make it all the way up to the mouth. (Dave Ogle - KSTP-TV, Minneapolis)

Monopoly: AT&T is going to link up with Microsoft to form a giant Internet company. And I hear the new company is going to be called "Ma Bill." (Bill Williams)

According to the New York Post, there are two separate books coming out now that claim Abraham Lincoln was gay. ... In fact, turns out, Abe Lincoln's nickname was not "Honest Abe." It was Tinky Linky. ... And of course, coin collectors are having a hey day with this. In fact, going home from work last night, on Sunset Boulevard, I saw a male hooker with a sign: "Lincoln head - 50 bucks." ... You know, Lincoln was a Republican. In fact, that's what GOP stands for: Gay Old Party. ... (OR) Which, if true, would instantly make him a member of the world's smallest minority groups -- gay Republicans. (Voldseth)