In The News ...

Like Father, Like Cat: Jamaica has approved the growing of hemp to be used as cat food. Actually, hemp cat food is not new. In fact, today in Washington D.C., Socks the Cat admitted he experimented with hemp cat food in college but he never swallowed ... you know, he just kept coughing it right back up on the carpet. (Steve Voldseth)

Happy Birthday: Saddam Hussein turned 62 this week. "I understand in lieu of presents, the family has requested that America be set on fire and destroyed." (Jay Leno)

Cheat Sheet: The city of Honolulu, Hawaii, is changing its firefighter test because of alleged cheating. They found 72 people taking the test had the answer written on their shirt cuffs: "Water." (Bill Williams)

New Star on Horizon: A newspaper in Rome is reporting that Monica Lewinsky has agreed to appear in an Italian movie. I think they're calling it ... "Honey, I Shrunk the President." ... "The Full Clinton." (Voldseth)

Campaign Hopes: Experts in Baltimore say they've isolated a gene that can grow bone and cartilage. "GOP presidential candidate Lamar Alexander has hired them to see if they can find a gene that manufactures charisma." (Bob Mills)

Grand Predator: A red-tailed hawk grabbed a duck off the White House lawn and totally consumed it. The Republicans immediately hired it as an independent council. (Bill Williams)

Making The Connection: Comcast and Media One announced a merger. "But it won't be a done deal until a company representative pays a visit, sometime next week, between the hours of 1 and 5 p.m." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

College Survey: According to a new survey, 26 percent of incoming college freshmen said they believe it's important to keep up with political affairs. The other 74 percent said, "Hey, what the President of the United States does in his personal life is his business." (Steve Voldseth)

Gas has become so expensive in California, at a stop light coming to work this morning, a guy in a Rolls Royce pulls up next to me, rolls down his window and says, "Pardon me, but would you happen to have any premium unleaded?" (Voldseth)

The Recording Industry Association of America says the number of bootlegged CDs soared 163 percent in 1998. There's good news, though: none of them were by John Tesh. (Chris Bannon)