In The News ...

Safety Net: Dan Quayle is taking leave from his family's newspaper business to run for president. "However, his family assured him that if he loses, he can have his old route back." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

No Beaming, Scotty: Scientists announced the development of the first male birth control patch that, when worn properly, virtually eliminates the chance of pregnancy. We already have a patch young men can wear to prevent pregnancy, don't we? I think it's called a "Star Trek" logo. (Steve Voldseth)

Hillary Clinton is writing a book about entertaining in the White House. "Chapter One: Avoid Stuffy Windowless Hallways!" (Jim Rosenberg)

Hillary Books: Hillary Clinton has a book out about guests in the White House. Some quarters where visitors stay are quite cramped. The Lincoln bedroom. The John Adams room. The Oval Office desk... (Alan Ray)

New Webs: Disney and ABC are going to launch a 24-hour soap opera cable channel. This is the second entry in that market, after Larry Flynt's new "*C-Span III: This Time, It's Personal*" (Jim Rosenberg)

New Poll: According to a new Reuters poll, Vice President Al Gore is leading former New Jersey Sen. Bill Bradley by 17 percentage points in New Hampshire. Or, to put it more simply: *_The bland leading the bland_*. (Rosenberg)

Heavy Duty: Astronomers have discovered the presence of three huge planets orbiting the star Upsilon Andromedae. "For the time being, the scientists are calling them Marlon Brando, Merv Griffin and Kathy Bates." (Bob Mills)

Signing Off: The tobacco industry is being forced to strike cigarette billboards. "Big tobacco is shrugging off this defeat, claiming its real target market isn't even old enough to read anyway." (Jon Stewart)

Mental Health Milestone: This year marks the 20th anniversary of the Sony Walkman portable stereo. "Up until then, the people who walked around singing to themselves all the time were called 'crazy.'" (Lawson)

Running On Empty: A man running for the House seat from Louisiana says he's qualified because he's 33 and still a virgin. No sex for 33 years. If that's a qualification, Hillary could be Pope! (Bill Williams)

Keep Your Tray Tables In a...: Passengers on a British Airways 747 this week were mistakenly told via pre-recorded announcement that the plane was about to crash into the sea. The plane's flight crew immediately recognized the error and tried to calm everyone down with complimentary pretzels, peanuts and ice water. (Chris Bannon)

Out of Order: The night manager at a Burger King in Marin County was arrested for selling cocaine out of the drive-through. "Apparently, he got caught when he served a cop coke instead of Pepsi." (Andrew Wisot)

On the Safe Side: Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski plans to file a habeas corpus action asking that his guilty plea be set aside. "Taking no chances, clerks will immediately place it into a bucket of water." (Mills)