One Liners

The worst part about winning at the slot machines is all the time it takes to put the money back in.

My cousin flunked out of tree doctor school. He fainted at the sight of sap.

One way to live longer is to cut out those things you want to live longer for.

Noah looked up into the pouring rain and muttered to himself, "I knew I shouldn't have just washed the ark today."

After writing down my golf score, I always wipe my fingerprints off the pencil.

She's so old, her last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I can always tell which laundry is my son's. It's eating the hamper.

I haven't been feeling so great. I swallowed a doorknob, and it keeps turning my stomach.