In The News ...

Oh My God!: The FBI wrapped up its search for atheist leader Madalyn Murray O'Hair, announcing that Bureau investigators could find no evidence of her existence. (Chris Bannon)

Happy Birthday: Al Gore turned 51. "His staff threw him a surprise birthday party. Apparently, he was so moved, he almost moved." (Conan O'Brien)

The Good Word: To promote a hip rewrite of the Bible, Pat Robertson kicked off his publicity tour at New York's Grand Central Station. "In fact, he inspired New York City commuters to deluge Robertson with questions like, 'Was that the train to Flushing?' and 'Why are you blocking the token booth?'" (Jon Stewart)

The Annals of Science: Researchers say they've discovered that strands of DNA conduct electricity. "They're hardly the first ones to figure this out. In Washington, D.C., Bill Clinton's DNA almost fried him." (Argus Hamilton)

Guns Don't Kill People...: The Mayor of New Orleans has challenged Charlton Heston to a debate over gun safety. Heston declined, citing a lack of ammunition. (Chris Bannon)

Off the Campaign Trail: Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush announced that his dad is going to start campaign fund-raising for him. "Meanwhile, Republican Dan Quayle announced that his dad is going to start letting him use the riding lawn mower." (Conan O'Brien)

A Packer???: Retired Packer Reggie White reveals he left the game because women reporters were ogling him in the shower, and he's just this short of a first down. (Feldman)

Welcome -- Now Go Away: Oregon state Sen. John Lim introduced a bill to erect signs at the state line telling motorists: "You are welcome to visit Oregon, but please don't stay." Hey, if there are any of those leftover, I'd like some for my house around the Christmas holidays. (Jim Rosenberg)

Pulitzer Prizes: The Pulitzers have been announced. No surprise in the category best fiction. "Building the Internet," by Al Gore. (Ray)

That Figures: Los Angeles is no longer among the top 10 cities with the highest number of thefts. "The decline is attributed to savvier drivers, more law enforcement and the fact that thieves can no longer afford to pay $1.59 a gallon for gas for stolen cars." (Paul Ecker)

Let It Be: Pope John Paul II's CD is a hit. "He's gone gold in Chile, platinum in Poland, double platinum in Argentina, but there's been some controversy. In all the excitement over sales, the Pope said, 'I'm bigger than the Beatles.'" (Jay Leno)

No Playboy Under the Mattress: This month's issue of Complete Woman magazine has an article called "How to Have an Office Romance Without Screwing Up Your Life." Boy, how'd you like to come home from work and find your wife thumbing through this thing? (Steve Voldseth)