In The News ...

The Academy Award Goes To: "70 million people watched the Oscars. That's about one per hour." (Zack Taylor)

No More Ride Alongs: The Supreme Court yesterday began consideration of a ban on televised coverage of police arrests. In a related item, FOX-TV stock lost 55 percent of its value. (Jim Rosenberg)

No More Ride Alongs II: The Supreme Court is now considering a ban on media coverage depicting police taking suspects into custody on television. And today, Charlie Sheen said, "Oh, sure! Now they stop doing that." (Steve Voldseth)

A Mind Is a Terrible Thing To Waste: Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura says academically-challenged athletes shouldn't have to attend classes in order to play college sports. Critics wonder, however, if this policy won't lead to a national surplus of gubernatorial candidates. (Chris Bannon)

Tele-me-anything: Microsoft is selling Teletubby dolls that play songs, games and interact with televisions and videos. So far, though, only Laa-Laa and Po have hit the market. Tinky Winky had to be recalled after he interacted with the RuPaul show. (Chris Bannon)

Web Campaigning: Al Gore said that his campaign web site is utilizing the latest American technology and will launch as soon as the Chinese have it ready. (Cybersatirist Bob Hirschfeld)

On the Campaign trail: Allegedly there's a photo going around of Texas Gov. George W. Bush dancing nude on a bar while drunk. "All these years you thought he was a member of the Bush family, turns out he's really Kennedy." (Jay Leno)

On the Campaign Trail II: Democrats are gearing up for their convention in LA next year. "They've already contacted Disney to see if the company can possibly animate Al Gore." (Jordan Tyler)

She's Baaaack: Monica Lewinsky told People magazine that she has trouble keeping a boyfriend. "I think it has something to do with their wives finding out about it." (Leno)

The Police Blotter: In Iowa, several Amish teens were arrested after rioting, vandalizing a farm and overturning several buggies. "The worst part is that the teens spray- painted everything with the words, 'Electricity Rules!'" (Conan O'Brien)

Logging Off: Naked pictures of Keith Richards are circulating on the Internet. "I bet Al Gore isn't bragging about inventing the Internet now." (Alex Kaseberg)

Inflatable Millennium: Philadelphia is thinking of erecting a giant inflatable Liberty Bell to celebrate the Millennium. Other cities are following suit. Washington, D.C., will sponsor a giant inflatable intern, while Los Angeles is already budgeting for a massive inflatable ego. The latter will also feature smaller inflatable publicists, agents and personal trainers. (Bannon)

Clog Your Arteries: McDonald's has introduced a new sandwich called the Mega Mac. It has four patties, and contains 790 calories and 41 grams of fat. It's part of their complete menu: the breakfast meal, the Happy Meal, and the last meal. (Voldseth)