In The News ...

McDonalds is introducing the Mega-Mac. Four beef patties, 790 calories, 41 grams of fat. Now they are figuring how to market the Mega-Mac. Jay Leno suggests these could be their new slogans.

You deserve a wake today Come in a car, leave in a stretcher It's like a gun in a bun Hey, you want a lid on that coffin? McC.P.R. Four beef patties, six feet under. Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce. Then hold your chest and yell "I'm having a heart attack." 4 patties + 3 buns = 2 chins -- Jay Leno

It All Makes Sense: President Clinton told a firefighters' association that as a kid, all he wanted to be was a firefighter. "Funny, because what gets him in trouble are old flames." (Bill Williams)

He Knows the Internet: Dan Quayle made fun of Al Gore's claim that he invented the Internet. "Then again, what does Dan Quayle know? He thinks an Internet is a small intern." (Argus Hamilton)

Very Public: Just think it was five years ago this week that O.J. Simpson played 18 holes together at Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla. That's the trouble with public golf courses - they've got to let everybody on. (Argus Hamilton)

New Olympic Event: Synchronized diving has been approved by the International Olympic Committee as an official medal sport in the 2000 Olympics in Australia. Of course, in this country, we've had synchronized diving for years-- I think it's called professional boxing. (Steve Voldseth)

Capital Capers: According to a study, many government buildings in Washington, DC, are structurally unsafe. "It's gotten so bad, many of the congressmen are actually refusing to have sex in them." (David Letterman)

Don't Leave Home...: San Francisco mayor Willie Brown has proposed that panhandlers be given Credit card machines so they can accept credit card donations. ... I think it's already happening. This morning, on the way to work, I saw a homeless guy standing next to a freeway on-ramp holding a sign that read, "Cash Only. No Waiting." ... And today, American Express jumped on the bandwagon by offering their customers three credit cards, now, to choose from: Gold, platinum and Thunderbird. (Voldseth)

Don't Leave Home II: San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown is proposing that homeless beggars be equipped with credit card-type machines for American Express donations. And the city will be telling the street people: Don't leave the shopping cart without it. They wanted to fix them up with VISA too; but the hookers had that all tied up. (Bill Williams )

Poor, Poor Me: A group of students is suing Southern Methodist University, seeking damages for a computer course that was "too hard." In a related suit, the same students are also seeking damages for unappetizing cafeteria food, acne, and the failure of attractive women to date them. (Chris Bannon)