In The News ...

On the Campaign Trail: Forbes said he lost the race in 1996 by starting late and didn't have time to get his message across. "Now that he's starting early, experts say he'll lose by having plenty of time to get his message across." (Jon Stewart)

Quite a Trick: Sen. Jesse Helms has criticized a US agency for giving money to a group that sometimes spread its family planning message in Haiti at voodoo rituals. "Helms claims he's not anti-black magic but has always supported separate-but-equal magic." (Stewart)

So Long: Paula Jones and her husband have separated. "I guess they were arguing over who gets the house, and then Paula just got in it and drove it away." (Jay Leno)

So Long II: Despite the separation, Paula Jones says things won't get ugly. "She added, 'We're just separating. It's not like I'm getting my old nose black.'" (Conan O'Brien)

Legal Line: A group of lawyers has hired OJ Simpson to be its spokesman in a series of commercials for the group's 800 number. "Boy, how bad is your image when you gotta hire OJ to improve it?" (Leno)

Get Your Irish Up: For the ninth year in a row, an Irish gay and lesbian organization was banned from marching in New York City's St. Patrick's Day parade. "But on the bright side, they were invited to a huge keg party at Tinky Winky's." (O'Brien)

Eruption: A Mexican volcano erupted with a 2-mile-high plume of ash Friday evening, the National Center for Disaster Prevention reported. Presidential candidate Pat Buchanan cited the windborn ashes as "another example of runaway Mexican immigration." (Jim Rosenberg)

We Want More: "Production has begun on 100 new Teletubbies episodes. Due to public pressure, the part of Tinky Winky will now be played by Charlton Heston." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Score!!!: "The NFL has voted to give Los Angeles a new football franchise. The team has already announced it'll be moving to Oakland." (Taylor)

Stiff Sentence: A 29-year-old Fort Worth, Texas woman was sentenced to 10 years in jail for having sex while her daughter watched. Imagine that? Ten years for having sex in front of your daughter? Ohmigod, Woody Allen's looking at the death penalty! (Steve Voldseth)