Ruminations

A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk. --Lee Entrekin

When ever someone tells me I'm barking up the wrong tree, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I get this irresistible urge to bite their pants leg. --Dave Henry

Once, while working in my office, I thought I saw Dorothy's house go by out of the corner of my eye. Then I realized it was just that cow from the movie "Twister." --Kenny Smith

If I were a fraction, my goal would be world denomination. --Chris Lipe

"Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country." Nah, I think I rather ask what my country can do for me. Maybe France, too. --Jennifer Ritzinger

All that glitters isn't gold, but if it's attached to a bicuspid and embedded in concrete in front of your seat at the stadium, it most probably is. --Peter T.T. Perez

One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey. --Jim Rosenberg

My momma told me she had eyes in the back of her head. Good thing she didn't also have a mouth there because it would be really hard to floss those back molars. --Paul Paternoster

Power of Attorney doesn't really make you as powerful as an attorney. There's still a lot of stuff you can't do. --LaDonna Brown

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen which said, "Parking Fine." --Tommy Cooper

They say kids will always find Christmas presents and guns. I bet if a kid is getting a gun for Christmas, they'll find it for sure, and really fast, too. --Timothy Fenton

If I was a baseball player, and I got hit in the head with a fastball and was dying, I wouldn't want medical attention. I'd want my lifeless, limp body flung to first base, 'cause, dammit, I earned it! --James Nicoll

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he's always asking to borrow your bass boat. --Bill Hewins

To me, sex is a way of communicating. A way of communicating: "Damn, that feels good!" --Jim Rosenberg

When all is said and done, it'll be pretty boring. --Larry Baum

If I owned a ceiling fan company, I would have a model called the "Dion" because then you could own the ceiling Dion fan. You got to jump on these things when the market is hot. --Richard Marek

If all the world's a stage and we are merely players, then why don't we all have Screen Actors Guild cards? --Janne Burke

A wise man once told me, "Violence is not the answer." But if the question is, how do I get wise men to mind their own freaking business, then I think violence IS the answer. --Matt Diamond

I think that if my last name were Back and I had a little girl, it would be my responsibility to name her Helen. --Tim Groen

Discretion may be the better part of valor, but it sure dampens a kegger. --Keith Sullivan

Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, "You've got something hanging out of your nose." Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy. --Michael Hayward

Sometimes I wonder why I just can't be happy, and then I realize it's because Joe's bogarting the bong. --R.M. Weiner

If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, you could bring me another damn 2x4. And hey -- get me a beer, willya?! --Guy Hoyle

I remember the days of youth -- running through fields of clover, barefoot and carefree; playing in the rain, naked and innocent; riding with my head out the window of my parents' car, the wind blowing through my hair... no, wait... that was my dog, Cookie. I was the one who had to stay after school and finish my math homework. Yeah, I remember now... --Lee Entrekin

Apparently, some HR managers don't appreciate having interview questions answered through interpretive dance. --Michael Hayward

I would not want to live in a cartoon world... Too many people have too much access to too much dynamite. --Erik Shmukler

I used to wonder what was beyond the edge of the universe. Then one day, during a planetarium show, I found out. I opened the door marked "Authorized Personnel Only" and saw it: a primordial quark-gluon plasma, sprinkled with countless unmatched socks. --Larry Baum

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!!" --Jennifer A. Ford