In The News ...

Be Careful: "The creator of Smokey Bear has died. At his request, he was cremated, then doused with water, covered with sand, mixed around, then doused and covered again." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

It's All In The Name: Posh Spice named her new baby boy, Brooklyn after the location he was conceived. Which, I think is smart -- see, this way, when she gets to kindergarten, she'll be the only Brooklyn while everybody else'll have the usual names, you know, like, Oval Office. (Steve Vodseth)

On the Campaign Trail: Dan Quayle says that when he and Al Gore debate in the 2000 election, Gore will have to explain why President Clinton ruined the White House. "Meanwhile, Quayle will be asked to explain why Jack and Jill went up the hill." (Conan O'Brien)

Foolish Falwell: More news out of Lynchburg, Virginia. Jerry Falwell says he has proof that Winnie the Pooh is gay. Whenever that silly ol' bear visited Rabbit's hole, he never wore pants. (Alan Ray)

Action Man: There is a toy company coming out now with a Minnesota Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura action figure. Flabbergasted electorate sold separately. (Steve Voldseth)

Something To Aspire To: According to an ABC News poll, only 17% of kids say they'd like to be president when they grow up. "Most of the kids said they'd rather sleep with the president and sign a huge book deal. (Conan O'Brien)

Saints and Sinners: Media mogul Ted Turner apologized for telling a Polish joke in reference to Pope John Paul II. "At the Vatican, the Pope apologized for consigning Turner to eternal damnation." (Jerry Perisho)

Teacher Troubles: According to "Inside Edition," Mary Kay LeTourneau has threatened the teen father of two of her children with "automatic castration" if he sees other women. "Plus he'll have to write 100 times on a blackboard, 'I will not cheat on my nutty teacher. I will not cheat on my nutty teacher.'" (Daily Scoop)

Big-Un: Ford's new sports utility vehicle, the Excursion, is 19 feet long, has a V-10 engine and weighs 3 1/2 tons. In fact, it's so big ... instead of cupholders, it comes with two crew members and a beverage cart ... no matter what your destination is, you have to pass through Atlanta. (Voldseth)

Unabomber Book: Ted Kaczynski is writing a book. The psycho environmentalist will wail at a lumber industry that's destroying forests. His work is detailed in a 548-page document set for a 1 million copy first printing. (Alan Ray)