In The News ...

Foreign Affairs: President Clinton was in Mexico City meeting with President Zedillo. "And Hillary was in Cancun getting her groove back." (David Letterman)

Domestic Affairs: President Clinton gave Hillary a heart-shaped pin. "And then Betty Currie asked her to give it back." (Letterman)

Domestic Affairs II: The press said Hillary showed off the pin on Air Force One to Mexico. "Actually, it's kind of embarrassing -- the flight attendant had the same pin." (Jay Leno)

I Predict: Elizabeth Dole will become president and suffer her first scandal ... Bob will come out of the Oval Office closet with Tinky Winky. (Bill Williams)

After Beatles: Ringo Starr announced plans to perform in a series of concerts with his son. I believe they're calling it the "Dad Spent All the Money Tour." (Steve Voldseth)

Mending Fences: President Clinton met with the GOP leadership last week. "It was obviously a little chilly, a little strange, a little awkward; you know, like dinner with Hillary." (David Letterman)

No-Brainer: Vince and Larry, the two crash test dummies, reportedly will no longer appear in TV commercials. "The two announced they're retiring to work on Dan Quayle's presidential campaign." (Conan O'Brien)

Help Is on the Way: A third of Americans suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction, according to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association. "Another social problem President Clinton is hoping to personally solve." (Daily Scoop)

The Hostile Skies: The FAA says passengers convicted of assaulting or harassing flight crew members now face fines of up to $10,000. "Not only that, but their carry-on luggage will be severely restricted, their seats won't recline and they will be fed peanuts -- wait! No, that's for all passengers." (Bill Williams)

Good Plan: Tyson Foods is recalling 27,000 pounds of frozen burritos possibly contaminated with listeria. "But you know, those Tyson people are smart. Do you see how they're getting around this? They're creating a new label: Tyson Frozen Burritos. Now With Listeria -- Freshens Your Breath While You Eat." (Steve Voldseth)

Off Sides: After 28 years of covering football, sportscaster Frank Gifford is retiring. "When asked why, Gifford says he wants to focus full time on being yelled at by his wife." (Conan O'Brien)

Back In Action: The Army is creating rapid strike forces. "They will be able to hit anywhere in the world in less than one hour after a presidential scandal breaks." (Daily Scoop)

Get The Vote Out: The president of Syria was reelected with 99.98% of the vote. "That's pretty good for a guy who wasn't even involved in a sex scandal." (Joe Kevany)

Bob Who?: Republican Senator Bob Smith of New Hampshire has announced his plans to run for president. He doesn't have Secret Service protection yet. Agents can't figure out who the hell he is. (Alan Ray)

Hot Water: Due to global warming, man-eating sharks have now been spotted off the beaches in England. In fact, they're making a movie about English sharks. They're calling it "Gums." (Steve Voldseth)

No Bull: As the Chicago Bulls plummet, the rock music at Chicago's United Center has risen. "Nothing is truer than this. The poorer the NBA team, the louder the Village People." (Bernie Lincicome of the Chicago Tribune)