In The News ...

Military Intelligence: The Navy has banned Furbies at its shipyards because they can record conversations. "They can ban a kid's toy from government property because it could accidentally record something, yet the Pentagon hires Linda Tripp for $94,000 a year." (Jay Leno)

Committee Announcements: Texas Governor George W. Bush says he has formed an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of running for president in 2000 ... Do you know the difference between a GOP 'exploratory' committee and Democratic 'exploratory' committee? Lap dancers. (Bill Williams)

On the Campaign Trail: Hillary Clinton is thinking of running for Senate. "Don't kid yourself. The woman is serious about this. Earlier today she held a press conference to deny that she had ever slept with the president." (David Letterman)

Book Tour: Linda Tripp says she too is considering writing a book about her role in the whole Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton sex scandal. I believe the working title is "I'm OK, You're Gonna Have to Speak a Little Louder." (Steve Voldseth)

How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? The bulb is fine ... you're working the switch wrong. (Jeff Gillmer)

Praising the Victim: Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala fended off an attacker at an ATM. "To protect herself, she fell to the ground in the fetal position and started screaming and kicking, which is something all women who work for Clinton are trained to do." (Leno)

Praising the Victim II: "This will be the first time ever a member of the Clinton Cabinet has appeared in court as a victim instead of the defendant." (Leno)

Singing the Blues: Country singer George Jones was injured in a car crash. "Police say two factors contributed to the crash: (1) Jones lost control while talking on a cell phone, and (2) crap like this always happens to country singers." (Daily Scoop)

On the Campaign Trail: Pat Buchanan's running for president again. "Third time, still no charm." (Michael Feldman)

On the Campaign Trail II: "Buchanan's promised, 'I won't bomb Iraq to cover up an affair with an intern. I'll bomb Iraq just for the fun of it." (Jay Leno)

Holidaze: This week marked International Women's Day. "I understand President Clinton honored the occasion in the usual way. He said, 'Hey, put me down for two.'" (David Letterman)

In the Mail: A Senate subcommittee is considering cracking down on sweepstakes mailings. "Publishers Clearinghouse already received a letter form the government saying, 'You may already be a defendant.'" (Mark Wheeler)

Outta Here: Several news agencies are reporting that the President and First Lady are in a trial separation. The White House denies the story and says the reason Hillary left their vacation a day early and then didn't accompany the President to Central America is because of a back injury. Probably caused by the weight of that last straw. (Steve Voldseth)