In The News...

This week marks the 84th anniversary of the first transcontinental phone call between New York and San Francisco. Which, if I'm not mistaken, also makes it the 84th anniversary of the first time anyone said, "So, how come you never call your mother?"

How Thoughtful: Dan Quayle turned 52. "If you're looking to get him something for his birthday, you can't go wrong with a clue." (Leno)

Faking It: In Beverly Hills, merchants are protesting a ballot measure that would require fur products to carry a label explaining how the animals were killed. The merchants say the measure would cut sales of real furs and boost the market in synthetics. "The last thing we want in Beverly Hills is a bunch of phonies." (LaMonte Laments)

The Name Game: A New York grand jury has cleared rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard of attempted murder charges. "Whew! Thank goodness he's got his good name back." (Steve Voldseth)

Efficiency Experts: An independent panel has implicated 10 more IOC members of ethics violations in a report to Salt Lake City .... Poor Ken Starr. These guys have dumped the IOC president in 30 days for 30 bucks! (Bill Williams)

Banned in Birmingham: Alabama state prosecutors are arguing in court that the Legislature can ban the sale of sex toys because there is no fundamental right to purchase a product in pursuit of sexual pleasure ... Well, it's pretty obvious you're never going to get FOX on cable there. (Williams)

Dan Dunce: Dan Quayle is seeking the presidency. A new millennium brings exciting prospects. He promises to lead Americans into the 20th Century. (Alan Ray)

Flashback: NBC aired a miniseries about the era of antiwar protests, casual drug use and the free love movement. "The miniseries was called 'The '60s,' or, as President Clinton calls it, 'Roots.'" (Argus Hamilton)

Eight Is Too Much: Dan Quayle made a campaign appearance with the Houston octuplets. "Quayle had only one question. 'Why are they called octuplets? I thought they were born in December.'" (Alex Kaseberg)

Up in the Air: An airline passenger bill of rights has been proposed. "For example, you have the right to food that is recognizable." (Daily Scoop)

Ouch: Actress Roz Kelley, best known for playing Pinky Tuscadero on "Happy Days," was charged with shooting up her neighborhood after a car alarm kept going off. "She's now known as Potshotsy." (Daily Scoop)