In The News...

Crackdown: Voters in Switzerland have rejected the legalization of marijuana, heroin and cocaine. "However, Swiss bankers confirm the right of every drug dealer to have his or her profits held in Swiss accounts." (Gary Easley)

Kid Stuff: Madonna and Michael Jackson have announced they would send their respective children to English boarding schools. "That seems unnecessary. If they want their children to be sheltered from the decadence of American pop culture, why don't they just stop rehearsing at home?" (Hamilton)

Space Watch: Scientists at UC Berkeley say a commercial telecommunications satellite soon will be searching for messages from the universe. "There aren't enough unexplained mysteries walking around the campus of Berkeley?" (Mark Wheeler)

At Last: Oprah Winfrey may finally marry her longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham, by year's end. "Stedman's her one 'Beloved' that has actually stayed around." (Premiere Radio)

In Hollywood: Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt has opened a sex boutique on Sunset Boulevard. "It carries lingerie and features a full coffee bar. Hustler, coffee bar kind of gives new meaning to that term 'bottomless cup of coffee.'" (Leno)

L.A. Law: There's a new proposal here to fine people who don't show up for jury duty. They'd fine you $1500. "It's probably the only city in the world where they're harder on the jurors than they are on the criminals." (Leno)

Vino Fino: 7-Eleven stores have started carrying a selection of wines. "They will also provide customer service by giving suggestions for the proper vintage to serve with jerky." (Gary Easley)

Two Cincinnati teenagers have been found alive and well after spending a week locked in an unheated train car with no food or water, sustaining themselves only on stale beer. But the really good news, Amtrak has just hired them as engineers. (Voldseth)

A sushi restaurant in Japan is now offering meals served off the bodies of naked women. Gee, I hope our high schools don't try this with the cafeteria ladies. (Voldseth)

The U.S. Center for Disease Control now says that the average life expectancy in America is now (at an all-time high of) 76.5 years. The bad news, when statistically corrected for Bob Hope, Dick Clark and Strom Thurmond, it drops to 49.7. (Voldseth)

Speaking of Strom Thurmond, he turned 96 last weekend. At his party, he said he's seen a lot of changes during his 44 years in Congress. Yeah... and he voted "no" on every one of them. (Voldseth)

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and his wife of three years, Mayte Garcia-Nelson, plan to annul their marriage to show it is based on more than just a legal contract. If he had gone the divorce route, he would have aken the standard name, "The Husband Formerly Known as Wealthy." (Jim Rosenberg)

Jean Tiberi, mayor of Paris, officially launched his city's bid to host the 2008 Olympics. The theme: "Play your stupid games and leave us alone, you nasty people." (Rosenberg)

It's About Compromise: Apparently organizers of a Madame Tussaud traveling wax exhibit in Sydney, Australia, had to sew up the zipper on the President Clinton wax figure because people kept going by and opening the zipper. "When President Clinton heard about this, he agreed to stand in for the figure three days a week." (Jay Leno)

Where There's Smoke: In Maine, a man lost in a snowstorm was rescued when a helicopter's heat sensor was able to zero in on his cigarette lighter. "Tobacco companies were quick to point out that smoking saved the guy's life." (Bill Williams)

The Fashion Police Report: Cindy Crawford escaped serious injury after she and her husband were in a car wreck. "According to a report filed by sheriff's deputies, Crawford was not wearing her seat belt, but was wearing a charcoal-gray cashmere Donna Karan pullover, alligator penny loafers by Chanel and a Ralph Lauren 100% Chinese silk scarf." (Bob Mills)

I'm A Little Stiff: "A New Jersey chiropractor has been busted for making women patients put on thong underwear before treatments....He's been charged with six counts of impersonating the Commander-in-Chief." (Williams)

Net Nooses: "The Consumer Product Safety Commission is asking for a recall of mini-basketball sets. One particular line can cause a choking hazard. It comes with the Latrell Sprewell action figure." (Ray)