In The News ...

The Force Is With Him: Dan Quayle is running for president. "You think Quayle is qualified to be our next president? I mean, here's a guy who thinks that Y2K is a character from the new 'Star Wars' movie." (Andrew Wisot)

Tuning Up: Jay Leno will be doing a column for Popular Mechanics magazine. "Meanwhile, Mr. Goodwrench will be headlining at the Improv." (Daily Scoop)

Grave Situation: People who prepaid for headstones already engraved with the 19-- may face their own Y2K problem if they live into the next millennium. "Dr. Kevorkian said he'd be happy to knock them off this year, thus killing two birds with one stone." (Sostrin)

Purify Month: February in Latin means "to purify." In fact, Romans used to purify themselves every February by gathering in the street, getting drunk, and fighting with the soldiers. Or as they call it in Denver, a (Superbowl) victory parade. (Steve Voldseth)

Find the Pulse: A Secret Service agent guarding Vice President Al Gore passed out. "Experts aren't sure why, but they suspect boredom." (Paul Steinberg)

Hey, Wake Up!: Keith Richards says he sometimes goes days without sleep. "It seems he's afraid if he nods off, someone will accidentally bury him." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

What a Relief: Michael Jackson fractured his wrist. "Doctors say it isn't serious, and he'll be up and around signing settlement checks again in no time." (Taylor)

Change the Channel: The "Baywatch" production may be moving to Australia. "Apparently it's cheaper to run in slow motion on Australian beaches." (Daily Scoop)

It's All Becoming Clear Now: The Y2K glitch could potentially cause computers and all kinds of electrical equipment to malfunction at the turn of the century, bringing everything to a halt. "Know what this means? This is the change the Amish have been waiting for. Global domination!" (Jay Leno)

Easy Does It: Pat Boone has formed a record company that will exclusively feature older artists. "When you play the records backward, they say 'AARP rules.'" (Paul Ecker)

Jackpot: Actor Max Baer is opening a casino. "I understand it's being financed by Mr. Drysdale." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Times Change: Dennis Rodman said he was puzzled when the Chicago Bulls let him go. "Usually, whenever he gets a pink slip, it comes with a matching bra." (Argus Hamilton)

Air Rage: Congress is going to write an airline passenger bill of rights ... It will guarantee life, liberty and the pursuit-of-your- suit. (Bill Williams)

Groovy: NBC will air the miniseries "The '60s." "It's the ultimate Baby Boomer movie. It's all about the drugs they used to do back then, the marijuana, the LSD, the hash. The ironic thing is, it's sponsored by all the drugs the baby boomers do now: Metamucil, Centrum Silver, Ex-Lax..." (Jay Leno)

Groovy II: "The miniseries really shows you how outof-control kids were back then: uninhibited, self-indulgent, free love, sex without guilt -- you know, it's hard to believe this is the same generation that gave us Bill Clinton." (Leno)

On the Campaign Trail: House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt says he won't run for president. "Al Gore is breathing easier -- assuming he breathes at all." (Daily Scoop)

How Novel: The U.S. Postal Service ended the fiscal year with a surplus of more than $500 million. "The postmaster general says he'll do something new and creative with that money: open a second window at lunchtime." (Jerry Perisho)

Watch This: "Diane Sawyer secretly taped several '20/20' producers lying about her bad chili as part of a report on honesty. She should have just made them watch 'Good Morning America'." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)