In The News...

New Bond Film: "Denise Richards will play a nuclear weapons expert named Dr. Christmas Jones, but soon double-crosses him after revealing her true identity as Dr. Squeezy McBosom." (Kilborn)

Bond "Girls:" ""Former Bond Girls Jill St. John, Ursula Andress, Britt Ekland and Barbara Carrera gathered recently to discuss their careers and why that guy at table five is such a lousy tipper." (Kilborn)

Great Idea? "Have you seen this Christmas catalog gift item called "Ale in a Pail?" It's eight bottles of beer and it comes in a small metal bucket. Is this a good idea -- a small metal bucket? After eight beers, most guys can't hit a large porcelain toilet." (Voldseth)

CDC Statistics: "According to the Center for Disease Control, Baltimore now leads the nation in the number of cases of gonorrhea. In fact, the Baltimore police department motto has been changed to read "To Serve and Remind You to Wear Protection." (Voldseth)

The Sex Files: The FBI spent millions of taxpayer dollars probing the private sex lives of Frank Sinatra, Errol Flynn and John F. Kennedy. "There's only one conclusion: Ken Starr is the son J. Edgar Hoover never had." (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of Sex: According to E! Entertainment Television, Demi Moore will take Bruce Willis back as long as he comes up with a list of all the women he's slept with. "So it looks like Casey Kasem's not the only one doing a year-end Top 100 countdown this month." (Andrew Wisot)

And While We're on the Subject: The New York Post has reported that Dr. Nicolo Scadari of Rome is seeking permission to perform the world's first male organ transplant. "Or, as Clinton calls it, brain surgery." (Jay Leno)

Must Not See: "Kelsey Grammer has directed and starred in some X-rated videos. It'll be part of NBC's 'Must Gag Me TV!'" (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Bad Buildings: "A report says the U.S. Capitol building is a fire trap. Lawmakers have an evacuation plan in case the alarm goes off. Mistresses and children first." (Alan Ray)

Just Say No: "A new survey found that 97 percent of political consultants believe there is nothing wrong with negative advertising. The remaining 3 percent were too busy digging up dirt on the other 97 percent to respond." (Zack Taylor, Westwood One Radio Network)

Party On: "Russian presidential candidate Vladimir Zhirinovsky says he is in favor of sending prostitutes into space to relieve cosmonaut stress. Actually, this is not as crazy as it sounds. In fact, it turns out, the word Mir is Russian for "Charlie Sheen's place." (Voldseth)

Politics as Usual: Former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke plans to run for the congressional seat to be vacated by Bob Livingston. "That's what Republicans need, another guy who spends all his time underneath the sheets. (Jay Leno)