Observations

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

West Virginia... Five Million People... Fifteen Last Names.

I married Miss Right, but I just never knew her first name was "Always."

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS ... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

REMEMBER, half the people are Below Average.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

NEVER accept yes for an answer.