In The News...

Busman's Holiday: Police in Arcadia captured an MTA bus allegedly stolen by a transient who drove it along its regular route. "He was an easy find. There were plenty of empty seats, the bus was on time. . ." (Kenneth I. Bowman)

A Big Naughty: The Hindus are mad at Madonna for using holy markings on her face during her MTV awards performance. "Honk if your religion hasn't been offended by Madonna." (Daily Scoop)

Catholic Boys: Cardinal John J. O'Connor noted that Mark McGwire, Roger Maris and Babe Ruth all were products of Catholic education. "They weren't equally strict. When Babe Ruth was 14, he gave up showgirls for Lent." (Hamilton)

Really?!: A new study shows that rich contributors get access to politicians that the average citizen does not and also get favorable legislation written for them. "Like, we needed a study to tell us that." (Gary Easley)

Funny Money: The Department of Treasury unveiled the new $20 bill. The portrait is bigger and more expressive. "It shows Andrew Jackson denying that he ever had sexual relations with that woman, Dolly Madison." (Hamilton)

Bye Bye Monica: "Former ESPN "SportsCenter" anchor Keith Olbermann is leaving his nightly news program on MSNBC to become the main sports anchor for Fox Sports News. It is not expected to be much of a change. He'll still be discussing famous people in kneepads every night." (Jim Rosenberg)

Double Old Seven: According to the Times of London, 68-year-old Sean Connery is going to play James Bond once again. "I think the name of this one is 'Octoprostate.'" (Jay Leno)

Brassiere Bizarre: The folks at Victoria's Secret have come out with a $5-million bra, encrusted with diamonds. "I don't care how beautiful or expensive it is. I can't get excited about any underwear described as 'encrusted.'" (Leno)

Cleveland Rocks: "The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has announced seven new inductees. What are the six words never to be uttered inside this hallowed building? 'Congratulations on your selection, Ms. Ono.'" (Alan Ray)

Ratings Update: The TV show "Good Morning, America" is in big trouble. "I don't want to say the ratings are bad, but they changed the name of the show today to 'Good Morning, Bob.' See, there's only one guy watching now. He lives in Topeka. That's Bob." (Jay Leno)

The One Who Never Forgets: Scientists at the University of Richmond in Virginia have completed a study indicating that motherhood can improve a woman's memory. "You ever wonder why your mom is able to remember every stupid thing you ever did in your life? That's why." (Leno)

Rodman Bells: "Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra are newlyweds. His basketball buddies gave them a gift to symbolize the strength of this marriage. A 24-second clock." (Alan Ray)

Books R Us: "Monica Lewinsky has signed a book deal and will have the same ghost writer that wrote Princess Diana's book .... So the same guy who wrote about 'England's Rose' will now tell us about 'America's Dandelion.'" (Williams)

Ted Turner said he was considering running for president in 2000. Oh, sure -- what does he know about professional wrestling? (Steve Voldseth)