In The News ...

Got the Blues: Have you seen the modern styling of Apple's translucent blue iMac computer? "Not only can you use it to surf the Internet, but it doubles as a Bissell carpet cleaning machine." (LaMonte Laments)

Chucky Land: What's the only thing they could have done to make the new movie "Bride of Chucky" even more obnoxious? Have 10,000 screaming kids running around while their parents get drunk on beer. They could call it "Bride of Chucky Cheese." (Jerry Perisho)

Alice in Wonderland: Ken Starr's wife, Alice, has finally spoken out on the controversy around her husband. Alice says the scandal hasn't affected their married life. "Translation: Ken didn't pick up any pointers from the president." (Premiere Radio)

McCurry Who?: Former White House spokesman Mike McCurry said that President Clinton is "exasperatingly stupid" in his personal life. "At the White House, Clinton emphatically denied 'ever having hired that man.'" (Premiere)

Shaken, Not Stirred: "The Guinness Book of Films says the best line ever heard in a movie theater is "Bond ... James Bond." The second-best line: "Tonight's showing of 'The Avengers' has been canceled." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

The Unabrother: The Unabomber's brother is trying to persuade the government not to impose taxes on his $1-million reward for turning in his sibling so more money can go to the victims. "However, the IRS seems confused about the issues. It's insisting that taxes must always be paid when you break a family trust." (Sostrin)

Wish-Seekers: Richard Simmons is returning to TV next fall in a show called "Dream Maker," where contestants will see their fondest wishes come true. "Richard could make a lot of fond wishes come true if he'd just put on a shirt and a pair of pants." (Ira Lawson)

Falling Stars: According to Parade magazine, there are no new actors in the action-adventure genre as studios scramble to find suitable scripts for Arnold Schwarzenegger, 51; Sylvester Stallone, 52; and Mel Gibson, 42. "Their best hope seems to be a script now in development at Universal called 'Grumpy Old Action Heroes.'" (Bob Mills)

Peace in Our Time: "According to a recent survey, 35 percent of men think that sex is the perfect way to end an argument. You know what that means? Instead of sending Madeleine Albright to work out these Middle East agreements, we should be sending Madonna or Monica (Lewinsky) ..." (Steve Voldseth)

Sell! Sell! Computer problems brought trading to a halt for about an hour on the New York Stock Exchange. "This frequently happens when Bill Gates gets cash from an ATM during trading hours." (Alex Kaseberg)

Viagra Nation: A gynecologist has completed a study showing that women who take Viagra can significantly enhance their enjoyment of sex. "The women in the study, however, reported an annoying side effect: Their lovers bragged about how good they were in the bedroom twice as much as usual." (Sostrin)

Up, Up & Away: "The FAA has issued a warning asking airline pilots not to fly within six hours after taking the anti-impotence drug Viagra. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the slogan, 'We love to fly and it shows,' doesn't it?" (Voldseth)

Powers That Be: Entertainment Weekly has named Oprah Winfrey the most powerful person in show business. "And all this time I thought it was the maitre d' at Spago." (Premiere)

BOO!!!: You know who has it easy on Halloween? Calista Flockhart. She takes off her clothes, boom, she goes out as Mark McGwire's forearm." (Voldseth)

Change That Tune: According to a new study, aerobics may lower testosterone in males. "Richard Simmons actually used to sound like Barry White." (Premiere Radio)

Spell C-H-I-C: Campbell's Soup is running a new TV advertising campaign this fall. "They're obviously trying to attract a more modern, hipper, high-tech type of customer. Now the alphabet soup comes with spell-check." (Argus Hamilton)