In The News...

Setting Limits: U.S. warplanes bombed an Iraqi anti-aircraft unit in the no-fly zone last week. "President Clinton didn't flinch one bit. He's been very disciplined ever since the Oval Office was declared a no-fly-open zone." (Argus Hamilton)

All Aboard: Amtrak has named a new president. "In a show of solidarity with his engineers, the new guy tipped over, rolled down an embankment and fell into a ditch." (Jay Leno)

Static on the Line: MCI announced plans to cut more than 2,300 workers from its payroll. "However, the long-distance company refuses to call it downsizing. Officials prefer the term 'job forwarding.'" (Hamilton)

It's the Law: President Clinton is urging Congress to lower the blood- alcohol level for drunk driving to .08 percent. "If it's over .08 percent, you're legally intoxicated, and if it's over .8 percent, then you're legally a Kennedy." (Wally Wang)

Don't Count on It: President Clinton says the Social Security system is Y2K compliant. "The bad news is, the system will still crash before we can benefit from it." (Daily Scoop)

Makes Cents: European Union nations launched a new currency this year. "The Euro creates the world's second largest economy. Right after Starbucks." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Cult Tumult: Israeli police arrested several members of an apocalyptic cult. "Ironically, to honor the Middle East peace process, the group had named itself the Olive Branch Davidians." (Joshua Sostrin)

The Skinny: Calista Flockhart says she suffers from panic attacks. "This goes back to her early acting days when she didn't have much money and worried about where her next grape would come from." (Gary Easley)

Taking a Page from O.J.: John Wayne Bobbitt is writing his autobiography, and in the book he compares the crime committed against him to the O.J. Simpson case. "To be fair, there are similarities. In both cases, someone lost a family member." (Leno)

Spending Spree: According to the tabloids, Monica Lewinksy spent $7,000 of her book deal money on a shopping spree for dresses... Here's the amazing part -- that's still $43,993,000 less than Ken Starr spent on his. (Steve Voldseth)

Waste Not - Want Not: Italian researchers say they have invented a car that runs on human waste ... Is this a good idea? I mean, it's bad enough people brush their teeth, shave and put on make-up behind the wheel. Do we really want them reading Reader's Digest now, too? ... And you thought your old car ran good on ethyl. Wait till you try a tank of Fred. (Voldseth)

Now Cough: Charleton Heston, the 75-year-old president of the NRA has been diagnosed with prostate cancer ... Considering where his head's been lately, it must have been a self-diagnosis. (Bill Williams)

Snow Shovel: The East endures frigid temperatures. You can tell it's been cold in Washington, D.C. Kenneth Starr had to burn an extra witch. (Ray)

Dole Deciding: Liz Dole may run for president. There's one final obstacle for her to overcome. During the 2000 convention, Republican leaders must draft a platform to support a woman's right to vote. (Ray)

That's Spacey: NASA has launched the Mars Polar Lander, which will reach the planet in December. "Its mission is to look for traces of life. When it's done with Mars, it'll shift its attention to the GOP." (Jerry Perisho)

Firing Shots: At a recent conference, Republicans took time out to spend an afternoon firing rifles and automatic weapons. "They were trying to learn how to stop shooting themselves in the foot." (Tarja Black)

Motoring On: The VW Beetle was named car of the year. "Between the Beetle, Linda Tripp and the movies, you can say 1998 was the year of the bug." (Daily Scoop)

Disney Recall: Disney has recalled all 3.4 million copies of their new animation feature "The Rescuers" because they say two out of 110,000 frames have "objectionable" background images ... Under normal conditions you'd never see it, but play it backwards slowly and there's Minnie giving Mickey a Monica....slow it even more and you hear 'Walt's head is dead. Walt's head is dead." (Bill Williams)