In The News...

Clearing the Air: In Florida, authorities have said they will prosecute teens caught smoking cigarettes. "Soon they'll be passing the Three-Lucky-Strikes-and-You're-Out Law." (Will Couzin)

Remodeling Headache: The National Parks Service has submitted a proposal to renovate the White House by adding underground parking and a rec room. "Wait a minute, I thought the Oval Office was the rec room." (Andrew Wisot)

A Guy Can Dream: Walt Disney Co. has selected Philadelphia as the home for its indoor virtual reality park. "In it, computers generate fantasy situations that are beyond one's imagination. For instance, visitors could watch the Phillies win a pennant and witness the Eagles actually score." (Jerry Perisho)

Do the Math: With colleges reporting they have six female students for every four male students, officials are trying to figure out ways to attract more men. "Gee, telling guys there are six women for every four men should do it." (Paul Steinberg)

Beggars Banquet: The Rolling Stones are touring in Russia. "And in a spirited meeting with Boris Yeltsin, Keith Richards offered to donate a part of his liver to Yeltsin in exchange for a healthy vein." (Sostrin)

The Pusher From Panama: Manual Noriega has asked that his sentence be reduced from 40 years to 15. "By then he should be able to turn over a new leaf, or at least have his skin clear up." (Gary Easley)

Teacher's Pet: A Swedish teacher won her legal battle after being fired for teaching a class on self-confidence in the nude. "Immediately after the verdict, male jurors claiming low self-esteem approached her about upcoming classes." (David Christensen)

Gruesome Twosome: Two boys were sentenced in the Jonesboro, Ark., school shooting. "Given their ages, they can't be held past their 21st birthday. In fact, they could get out in time to shoot up their college graduation ceremony." (Premiere Radio)

Defining Terms: Newt Gingrich called President Clinton a misogynist and a womanizer who just uses females, then moves on to the next. "The speaker's current -- and second -- wife was unavailable for comment." (Easley)

Bo Bummed: "Right wing extremist Bo Gritz tried to kill himself with his gun. He's probably best known for his coining of a very popular adage. 'Outlaw guns and only suicidal fanatics will have guns.'" (Alan Ray)

Naughty Books: A U.S. Appeals Court ruled that federal prisons can keep pornography, including Playboy and Penthouse, from inmates. "That's OK. They'll be busy for years with the Starr Report." (Bill Williams) Caught Again!: Did you hear about the White House recently hosting top jazz performers in a concert? "When President Clinton started singing along, Hillary whacked him and demanded to know, 'Who's Georgia and what is she doing on your mind?!' " (Perisho) They Will Follow ... : Every year, thousands of tourists visit the Iowa baseball field featured in the Kevin Costner film "Field of Dreams." "They all ponder the same inspiring question, 'Why the heck did Costner make 'Waterworld'?" (Buzz Report)