In The News...

Save the Day: Actor Jean Claude Van Damme says the lawsuit filed by former partner Frank Dux over writing credits on a film has dragged on so long that it has prevented him from making several movies. "Dux didn't realize that when he filed suit, he was also performing a public service." (Ira Lawson)

Power Booster: Major league baseball plans to ban the use of androstenedione, the muscle-building supplement used by home-run champ Mark McGwire. "McGwire told reporters he'll do fine without it, as he tried to pick up his bat with the help of two trainers." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Rate This: A new study says that the new TV ratings such as "S" and "L" are too unreliable to protect children from sex and crude language. So, they'll be adding a "C" for Clinton. (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Peter Principle: The Pentagon estimated that it would spend about $50 million in the coming year to provide Viagra to American troops and military retirees. Now that the Cold War is over, they want to win the short-arms race. (Tom Feran)

The Reserves: The fiscal year has ended with the first budget surplus since 1969. "The Democrats want to save the surplus for Social Security. Republicans want a tax cut. I want an apology from them both for putting us in debt in the first place." (Premiere)

Joined Forces: The Pentagon announced plans to spend $50 million in the next year on Viagra for soldiers. "Wouldn't it be cheaper just to let them read those dirty magazines again?" (Jay Leno)

Book of Innuendos!: Microsoft announced it's coming out with the world's first new dictionary in over 30 years. "The dictionary's so thorough, it will contain all 500 of Clinton's definitions of sex." (Leno)

HMO Woes: HMOs in 18 states have announced that they'll drop up to 20,000 elderly patients on Medicare. "They'll be rejected on the grounds that they had a preexisting condition and chronic inability to pay exorbitant fees." (Mills)

Smell a Rat: The Department of Health and Human Services is calling for a huge cleanup of US cities, saying there are twice as many rats as people living in Washington DC. "That's because America sends all its garbage there." (Hamilton)

The Next Stop: The medical journal Lancet reported research indicating that diet pills destroy brain cells. "From now on, Dan Quayle will be on billboards across the country as Joe Fen-Phen." (Hamilton)

Liar, Liar: Yugoslavian President Slobodan Milosevic says he contacted the White Hose last week to avoid war. "Milosevic's claim was denied. President Clinton gritted his teeth, wagged his finger and denied ever having foreign relations with that man." (Hamilton)

Tell me another Joke!