In The News...

On The Phone, Toledo: "Plans are in the works for a movie version of J.R.R. Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings.' First they have to get the rights to the title from Larry King." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

The Revengers: The terrorist group Muslims Against Global Oppression has claimed responsibility for the bombing of a Planet Hollywood in South Africa. "Hollywood struck back immediately. Producers shipped 100,000 copies the 'The Postman' and 'The Avengers.'" (Bill Williams)

Getting Smoked: The tobacco industry is facing increasing attacks that it stifled development of a "safer" cigarette. "Tobacco companies actually tried hard to develop a safer cigarette, but their efforts failed when they couldn't agree on what flavor to make its candy center." (Joshua Sostrin)

Fair Exchanges: Steven Seagal has asked Taiwan to stop the cruel practice of rounding up and killing stray dogs. "Taiwan agreed -- just as soon as Seagal stops his cruelty to the world: making movies." (Easley)

Promise Sweepers: A female version of Promise Keepers, 19,000 strong, met over the weekend. "They reconfirmed their marriage vows and spoke of national pride, then cleaned up the clutter their husbands had left behind years earlier." (Jerry Perisho)

Pulling Strings: "The Russian economy is not doing well. The good news is, our capitalist country was able to bring Russia into the 20th century. The bad news is, we only got them as far as 1929." (Jay Leno)

A Time Saver: The CBS network announced plans to begin a series of cost-saving cutbacks. "In fact, it's the lead story on this Sunday's edition of '54 Minutes.'" (Steve Voldseth)

What's That Saying Again?: "A 17-year-old boy, while hunting in Alaska with friends, decided to play a trick on them. He jumped out from behind some bushes to scare them, and they accidentally shot and killed him .... A slightly confused NRA President Charlton Heston issued the following statement: 'Guns don't kill kids, Trix kills kids.'" (Bill Williams)

BRANCH OUT: "A survey shows that only 41 percent of teenagers can correctly identify the three branches of government. By now it should be easy. Legislative, executive, and special prosecutor." (Alan Ray)

PAX TV: "The Pax TV network premieres. The new channel will be absent of the three elements of television programming so prevalent today. Sex, violence and viewers. Most teens know the first three letters of a Web address, but don't know the first three words of the Constitution .... The same survey says most adults know the first three words of the Constitution, but don't know who killed Kenny." (Williams)

Spell D-u-h: High school seniors improved their SAT math scores again slightly this year, but they didn't do any better than last year on the verbal section. "Asked to comment, one student said, 'I can add numbers up goodly.'" (Alex Kaseberg)

TV Dinner: A conservative parents group is calling for a nationwide boycott of the International House of Pancakes in response to its Sponsorship of Howard Stern's show. "They fault the restaurant chain for sponsoring a 'tasteless' show. Apparently, they haven't sampled the food at IHOP lately.' " (Bob Mills)

She's a Scream: Producers of Roseanne's new daytime talk show are putting stops to the rumors that something's wrong on the set. "They said everything's fine and that the actress has been busy yelling at everyone as usual." (Andrew Wisot)

School Daze: The National PTA is under fire for entering into a deal with Office Depot that makes it appear the organization endorses the chain. "While no immediate action will be taken, the incident will go into their permanent record." (Ira Lawson)