In The News...

Hard Labor: "Millions of Americans welcomed Labor Day. It's the one day they can escape the grueling drudgery of surfing the Internet at work." (Joshua Sostrin)

Being A Stooge: A National Constitution Center survey reveals only 41 percent of teens can name the three branches of government but 59 percent can name the Three Stooges. "There's a difference. The Three Stooges are much more cerebral." (Hamilton)

Around the World: Twenty-six million copies of "Titanic" have been manufactured. "To put that in perspective, that's enough VHS tape to circle the planet 260 times or James Cameron's head twice." (Steve Voldseth)

Event Planning: The FDA approved a prescription morning-after pill that can prevent pregnancy. "Prescription? If you thought that far ahead, you wouldn't need the pill." (Hamilton)

Saving the Show!: The rating for this year's Miss America pageant dropped 25 percent. "To increase ratings next year, pageant officials are considering dropping the talent portion of the show." (David Christensen)

Up to the Minute: Candice Bergen is giving up her gig as spokeswoman for Sprint. "Yep. She stopped on a dime." (Premiere Radio)

Express Yourself: Madonna has put her daughter, Lourdes, on the waiting list for the exclusive Cheltenham Ladies College Boarding School in England. "First, the phony British accent. Now this? What next? Divorcing a member of the royal family?" (Premiere)

Shall We Dance?: Olympics insiders say ballroom dancing may become an Olympic event in 2008. "Suddenly, the 'agony of defeat' includes a broken high heel and a run in your pantyhose." (Jerry Perisho)

Well, Duh!: A damaged painting by Leonardo da Vinci has been restored. "Upon hearing this, a teenaged girl said, 'Like, I totally didn't know Leonardo DiCaprio's brother was a painter. That family is sooo talented.'" (Alex Kaseberg)

Friendly Skies: A Chinese man who stowed away on a three-hour flight from Shanghai to Tokyo by clinging to the landing gear of a jumbo jet was reported by police to be alive and conscious when the plane landed.

"He was immediately arrested for impersonating a coach passenger." (Voldseth)

Home Removement: Sixteen-year-old Jonathan Taylor Thomas is leaving "Home Improvement" to prepare for college.

"Why's he doing it? Five words: Gary Coleman, mall security guard." (Premiere Radio)

A Special Treat: A Virginia ice cream man was arrested on charges of selling marijuana to kids from his truck. "Actually, it was a great marketing decision. After the kids smoked the pot, they came back and bought 47 Eskimo Pies." (Steinberg)

The Music Man: Barry Manilow plans to do an album of Frank Sinatra songs.

"Sinatra responded from the grave that 'If the little punk does that, I'll have him whacked.'" (Steinberg)