New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolution #1 Try to avoid transmission of interspecies diseases.

New Year's Resolution #2 Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1,000 feet (especially when they are less than 1,000 feet above the ground).

New Year's Resolution #3 Stay off the Mir space station.

New Year's Resolution #4 Don't eat cloned meat.

New Year's Resolution #5 Try not to have seven children at once.

New Year's Resolution #6 Avoid drunk limo drivers on anti-depressants.

New Year's Resolution #7 Don't give real name when making campaign bribes.

New Year's Resolution #8 Don't take a car all the way to Mars without remembering the spare battery.

New Year's Resolution #9 Don't get so drunk that you think cutting your penis off and blaming it on your girlfriend is a really neat idea.