In The News...

Really?!!: A new study shows that rich contributors get access to politicians that the average citizen does not and also get favorable legislation written for them. "Like, we needed a study to tell us that." (Gary Easley)

Cart-Before-the-Horse Department: South African President Nelson Mandela, who was the guest of honor at a White House reception last week, spent 25 years in prison before he served in public office. "Most politicians do it the other way around." (Argus Hamilton)

Funny Money: The Department of Treasury unveiled the new $20 bill. The portrait is bigger and more expressive. "It shows Andrew Jackson denying that he ever had sexual relations with that woman, Dolly Madison." (Hamilton)

Coming of Age: The Postal Service says it will print yellow smiley- faces to commemorate the 1970s. "To add to the embarrassment for those of us who lived in the '70s, the stamps will be cut in the shape of a leisure suit." (Jerry Perisho)

Reach Out and Touch: Mail carriers in Omaha will be given cellular phones to use for free in case of emergency. "Hey, if they'd just let people on their routes use the phones, we could eliminate mail all together!" (Perisho)

A Star is Born: Astronomers using the Keck telescope in Hawaii have discovered a quasar trillions of miles away -- a giant ball of gas circling the outer fringe. "They've named it the Ken Starr." (Hamilton)

Talk of the Town: An ad agency in Florida is coming out with a new series of TV commercials featuring a talking sandwich. "Let's hope Taco Bell doesn't try this with their Burrito Supreme." (Steve Voldseth)

Flaky Remake: According to Daily Variety, Mel Gibson is negotiating to star in a big-screen version of "Hogan's Heroes." "Two Words: 'McHale's Navy.' Two more words: 'Mr. Magoo.' Two really big words: 'The Avengers.'" (Premiere)

Military Intelligence: The Pentagon has ordered 153 publications, including Penthouse, Playgirl and Hustler, off military bases. "It's part of the Pentagon's new 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Even Look' policy." (Premiere)

The Pitts: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, boyfriend and girlfriend, are going to demonstrate their love by getting matching tattoos on their butts. "Since they plan to marry and share his last name, their tattoos will say, 'My other butt's a Pitt." (Bill Williams)

Confess Your Mess: Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the Jewish year. "It's the holiday in which people confess and atone for all the sins committed in the past year, or, as it's known in America, President's Day." (Hamilton)

Little Green Men: Ross Perot told a Reform party convention that President Clinton is unfit to the be the president, saying, "This guys' brain's not working correctly." "Perot added that he's also unhappy about Martians planting microbes in the brains of voters in order to turn them against him." (Johnny Robish)

IN Plain View: According to a "20/20" news report, an FBI handwriting expert has concluded that JonBenet Ramsey's mom wrote the fake ransom note. "Of course, if he thinks she'll ever be convicted, he should examine the writing on the wall." (Premiere Radio)

Shall We Stop: Tom Hanks is close to doing a remake of the Japanese film "Shall We Dance?" "After 'Godzilla,' I'm surprised Japan would let Hollywood near any of its films." (Premiere)