Ironic Questions and Comments About Contemporary Life

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

Why does the term "jerk" apply only to men?

The reason I turned down an extramarital affair is because my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.

My wife tends to leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, things are rarely well enough.

Why do they rate a movie "R" for "adult language?" The only people I hear using that language are teenagers.

Homeless man's sign at corner of 14th Street: "Why lie? I need a beer."

The difference between insane asylums and our schools is that in the insane asylum you have to show some improvement before you can get out.

To err is human, to moo, bovine.

Anyone who thought that Lester Maddox was the most embarrassing politician to ever come out of Georgia has never met Bob Barr.

I've got you beat. I saw a woman driver changing her clothes on an exit ramp.

What comes first, new schools or portable classrooms?

I'm a New Yorker, and the first time someone asked me if I was a Yankee, I misunderstood and said, "No, I like the Mets."

To the person complaining about dialing 10 digits to reach a next-door neighbor: Try walking! And we wonder why half of the adults in America are overweight!

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