In The News...

Opening Statement: "Before we begin, I have a little confession to make. Last Friday I was with another audience. It was a misstatement to tell you in the warmup I had only been with you. It was an inappropriate relationship; it will never happen again." (Jay Leno)

"The evidence was overwhelming. The big turning point came when Kato Kaelin testified that those 'thump, thump, thump' sounds came from the Oval Office." (Taylor)

Risky Business: IN a new CDC report, significant numbers of US high school students admitted they get drunk, have sex, smoke, carry weapons and practive other risky behavior. "It's obvious today's youth are desperately lost and torn: They can't decide whether to pursue careers in Washington or Hollywood." (Sostrin)

Changing Hands: Beat writer Lawrence Felinghetti, convicted of obscenity in 1953, was named poet laureate of San Francisco. "Back in the Eisenhower era, obscenity was a state crime. In the Clinton era, its an entry-level job." (Argus Hamilton)

Speak for Itself: A Cuban-born truck driver got a traffic summons in Yonkers, NY, for being unable to speak English. "Police immediately booked him on suspicion of being a New York City cab driver." (Mark Wheeler)

Back in Circulation: "The NFL returns to CBS this season, which also mean most women will be returning to the Lifetime channel." (Andrew Wisot)

Pot Meets Kettle: Geraldo Rivera has said that Jerry Springer is the most shameful man in America. "Geraldo lost the title when his show went off the air." (Gary Easley)

Double Jeopardy: New research shows men can prevent prostate cancer by taking supplements of the mineral selenium, but side effects include baldness and tooth loss. "So down the road, men at risk who don't take selenium can't have sex, and if they do take selenium, they won't have sex." (Joshua Sostrin)

Bitter Pill: Last week was the 38th anniversary of the sale of the first birth control pills. "And today is the 38th anniversary of the first guy going, 'What do you mean you forgot?'" (Jay Leno)

Pastime Chore: With football season here, it's time for men to perform the annual substitution play. That's where you take out the baking soda your wife put in the refrigerator to free up more space for beer." (Russ Myers)

Changing Places: The Newport Harbor Nautical Museaum will serve a duplicate of the last meal on the Titanic. "For a touch of realism, there will be no dessert." (Stan Kaplan)

News at 11: "A new study shows that watching TV news scares small children. During the breaks, they show promos of the new fall TV season." (Easley)

Oh, Martha: The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power has unveiled a new pollution-free electric leaf blower to replace the banned gasoline-powered models. "The new blower, dubbed by gardeners 'The Martha Stewart,' not only gathers the leaves but arranges them according to color and dries them for later use in attractive centerpieces." (Bob Mills)

Straight Man: What do you call a comedian on Viagra? 'A real stand- up.'" (Drew Williams)

Objets de Lust: "In a Playboy magazine interview, Geraldo Rivera called Barbara Walters a 'sexy babe.' But then again, he called Sam Donaldson a 'hunky Vulcan.'" (Chris Pino)