In The News...

Gross Glamour: "It was rumored that Linda Tripp wanted to wear the famous stained dress. Where would you wear a dress with a big stain? I hope that look doesn't catch on at the Academy Awards this year." (Jay Leno)

Martha Knows Best: "I guess Martha Stewart was one of the guests at this big Democratic fund-raiser. The rumor is that she went because she wants a presidential appointment. She might get it. She's blond, she's attractive and she does know how to get stains out." (Leno)

Lead On: The American Bar Assn. expects to pick an African American leader for the first time. "The lawyers say they do not judge a man by the color of his skin...as long as he's immoral and can overbill clients." (Leno)

Dr. Doom: In Germany, a dentist reportedly burst into a local bar and ripped a set of dentures out of a woman's mouth for failure to pay her dental bill. "It's a good thing this guy doesn't sell Viagra." (Jeff Corveau)

Money Talk: New quarters are about to be issued, and each of the 50 states will get to select its symbol to go on one side. "California's will show a Golden Bear driving up the San Diego Freeway in a Whit Ford Bronco holding a gun to its head." (Argus Hamilton)

Petty Theft: An Ohio teen has pleaded innocent to stealing his mother's credit card to pay for a friend's breast enlargement surgery. "Police say it's lucky they caught the guy quickly; otherwise, it may have turned into a bigger bust." (Mark Wheeler)

Mr. Grinch, Esq.: A lawyer in Cincinnati has filed a federal lawsuit arguing that Christmas Day should not become a legal holiday. "He also wants the tooth fairy to be charged with breaking and entering." (Premiere Radio)

Popmeister: A celebration in New York commemorated Andy Warhol's 70th birthday. "It lasted 15 minutes." (Gary Easley)

Sheen Slapped: "Charlie Sheen has been given another year of probation for drug use. The judge didn't buy his line of defense. He was doing research on his part in the upcoming movie 'The Charlie Sheen Story'". (Alan Ray)

Viagra Villains: According to a British television report, fake copies of the impotence drug Viagra are being sold on the Internet. "Investigators suspected the pills were fakes when requests for the drug over the Internet took more than an hour to upload." (Joshua Sostrin)