In The News...

True to Life: Steven Spielberg's new war movie, "Saving Private Ryan," is being heralded as one of the most graphic depiction's of battle every filmed. "it's so real that outside a theater in Atlanta, Jane Fonda was seen picketing it." (Bob Mills)

Little Doe: "Now that Jodie Foster is a mom, she'll soon begin work on a children's movie. It's called 'Silence of the Little Lambs, Little Lambs, Little Lambs." (Premiere Radio)

Reconstruction: A construction worker in Eau Claire, Wis., was shot in the head with a nail gun that drove a 3-inch nail into his brain. As a result of the accident, he now has trouble calculating numbers. "He hired and attorney and filed suit against his employer for $9.12." (Jerry Perisho)

The Bodyguard: "It appears the father of Princess Stephanie's new baby is another one of her bodyguards. This is the second or third bodyguard she's had a baby with. Princess Stephanie doesn't need bodyguards for protection, she needs bodyguards with protection." (Leno)

My Darling Emmy: Once again the cable network soundly trashed the TV networks in number of Emmy nominations. The TV networks are demanding a separate category for their efforts. "It would be called 'Best Recycled, Unimaginative Dreck Produced to Kill Time Between Commercials.'" (Mills)

What's That Line Again???: The Capitol Building gunman has been diagnosed with schizophrenia....Schizophrenics are easy to spot, they have TWO NRA stickers on their car....You know what Charlton Heston says about schizophrenics don't you? "Schizophrenics don't kill people, guns kill people...er, no.... People don't kill guns, guns kill guns....Darn!....Schizophrenics are not people, guns are people....?" (Bill Williams)