In The News...

Tanks, Hanks: Tom Hanks put his prints in wet cement at Mann's Chinese. "The footprints will be of 3-inch pumps, in honor of the fact that he finally is being recognized for his work in 'Bosom Buddies.'" (Gary Easley)

Montana Men: "Montana is getting quite a reputation for some of its inhabitants. You can tell it's a different kind of place. The state tree is nut." (Alan Ray)

WILLY-FM: A radio station in Vancouver, British Columbis, has started broadcasting the sounds of killer whales 24 hours a day, seven days a week. "Among its offerings, ORCA-FM will feature talk shows that encourage whales to call in and blubber about their lives." (Ira Lawson)

Fashion Police: Secret service agents are duty-bound to report any crime they see the president commit. "Fashion critic Mr. Blackwell wants you to know why none of them busted Bill Clinton for wearing those awful jogging shorts!" (LaMonte Laments)

Tray Tables in Upright Positions: "The FAA is investigating a charter flight to Mexico on which the crew staged a wet T-shirt contest, with girls dancing in the aisle and parading into the cockpit...'Thank you for flying Charlie Sheen Airlines.'" (Taylor)

Census Report: More Americans are staying put. "Out of the 42 million people who moved, almost 28 million remained in the same county, 8 million moved to a different county, and 6 million are still at the DMV." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

The Facts: How do you know whether you're spending too much time on the Internet? "Too much time: carpal tunnel syndrome. Way too much time: buttocks spreadeth syndrome." (Easley)