In The News...

The Big Hit: The movie "The Mask of Zorro" is about a mysterious blade-wielding man in black with a mask. "OJ is calling it the feel- good movie of the year." (Alex Kaseberg)

Glitches: "All of this worrying about computers crashing in the year 2000! It doesn't concern me. I've got the advanced model. It's been crashing like clockwork since 1993." (LaMonte Laments)

Holy Smoke: Last week, it became legal in Kentucky for ministers to pack a gun to church, if they have a concealed weapons permit. "That should make Sunday's sermon interesting- 'Please put what you can in the collection plate...or else!'" (Daily Scoop)

Strange Beginnings: According to the journal New Scientist, a Southern California woman is pregnant from sperm taken from her late husband's body. "And I'm guessing she never took 'Honey, I'd love to but I'm too tired' as an excuse either." (Steve Voldseth)

Better Days: The post office will be commemorating the '50s with a new collection of stamps. "If the Postal Service really wants to remember the '50s, bring back the 3-cent price." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Young Jerry: "A former guest on the Jerry Springer Show says the host got her pregnant. She knows the child is his. After just a few weeks, he's already started kicking." (Alan Ray)

Charity Choosing: According to the New York Post, the money for Paula Jones' $9,000 nose job came from an anonymous donor. "That's when you know you're unattractive, when strangers just send you cash. 'Lady, I saw you. Here, fix your nose!'" (Jay Leno)

Party Time!: In Michigan, a beer delivery truck overturned on the highway, spilling 2,000 cases onto the road. "Fortunately, hundreds of frogs hopped by and drank it up." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Batters Up!: Chicago White Sox star Albert Belle has been accuse of domestic battery. "Albert says he's completely innocent and will kill the bleeping reporter who suggests he's violent." (Premiere)

Another Bite: Mayor Giuliani says it may take more than bikinis or T- shirts to put the city's sex clubs in line with a new zoning ordinance. Many club owners say they will cover up their exotic dancers to prepare for city inspectors' visits. "Inspectors will be armed with clipboards, citation slips and $1 and $5 bills." (Mark Wheeler)

Extra Sets: Scientists in China now say they want to start cloning panda bears to save them from extinction. "The best part is, it won't cost much because panda bears are black and white. The color duplicates are much more expensive." (Jay Leno)

Bon Apetit: "The boxing commission has decided to reinstate Mike Tyson and let him box again, but he has to promise to eat something before the fight." (Dennis Blair)

Gone Too Far: A car that once belonged to Princess Diana is for sale on the Internet. "You can buy it at www.tacky.com." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Merry Mayberry: City officials in Morgantown, W.Va., have voted to name a street after actor Don Knotts. "It will be located one block from Aunt Bee Lane near its intersection with Opie Highway." (Bob Mills)

Happy Anniversary: "Second honeymoons are now in vogue. On my first one, it was Niagara. Now, 25 years later, it's Viagra." (Charles J. Chop)

Potatoe/Potato: "During Al Gore's trip to Russia he visited the Ukraine’s Chernobyl plant, site of the world's worst nuclear accident....Dan Quayle heard about the trip and said: 'Big deal! Anybody can visit a foreign vegetable garden.'" (Bill Williams)