Other Predictions from the IAU

CURRENT EVENTS NOTE: Scientists at the International Astronomical Union announced that an asteroid would be passing within 30,000 miles of Earth in the year 2028, and that there was a possibility of a collision. However, on Friday, the IAU admitted an error due to lack of access to all of the data. Now they predict that the asteroid will come within *600,000* miles of Earth, and that it poses no threat of a collision in 2028.

Other Predictions from the International Astronomical Union

Asteroid will miss Earth by 600,000 miles, but Earth will then graze a huge space iceberg and sink 5 hours later.

As Asteroid 1997-XF11 crosses Jupiter's cusp today, romance seems likely. Watch out for Capricorns and Libra, but seek out those Geminis! Your lucky number is 9."

The planet Pluto probably looks nothing like the cartoon dog.

Quayle in 2000!

A huge meteor will hit Earth shortly. It's over 100 miles wide and has "Hubbell" written on its side.

The universe is now contracting, but the size of John Goodman's ass will continue to expand exponentially.

The "Big Bang" must inevitably be followed by the "Big Cigarette," then the "Big Sandwich," and ultimately the "Big Sleep."

Primary element in the Milky Way galaxy? Nougat.

The traffic lights wiiill chaaange... NOW!... No wait. Okay, NOW!... Dammit! How about... NOW!?...

The sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet yer bottom dollar!

"Our credibility is falling!!! Our credibility is falling!!!"

Astronomer who did the original asteroid-collision calculations will be highly successful in his new janitorial job.