In The News...

The Max Factor: The latest AAA poll shows that 58% of American drivers speed, change lanes excessively and run red lights. "And these are just the women who drive while applying makeup." (Earl Hochman)

Famous Faces: This fall, you'll be able to buy your own copy of the Zapruder film of the JFK assassination. "The film has been digitally enhanced, superimposing Leonardo DiCaprio into the picture to pump up sales." (Andy Waits)

The Big Trim: The oldest college football bowl game will now have a corporate sponsor, and be called "The Rose Bowl, Presented by AT&T." "College football fans are hoping that the Sugar Bowl won't be sponsored by Jenny Craig." (Paul Ecker)

SHE'S NOT IN IT FOR THE MONEY...."Click on the official Linda Tripp website to learn where to send donations for her legal defense fund and get an 'I believe Linda Tripp' bumper sticker....There's no stickum'----you have to wire it on." (Bill Williams)

Doodle Dummies: American history college entrance test scores are way down among Southern California high school seniors. "It gets worse every year. In California, kids think that July 4 is Codependent Day." (Hamilton)

Capital Idea: Princess Diana's brother, Earl Spencer- who condemned the press for capitalizing on his sister's death- opened a Diana museum on his estate and is charging $15 for admission. "No word yet on when Spencer plans to market a Diana action figure." (Alex Kaseberg)

"A" is for Apple: The National Education Assn. teachers' union has rejected a proposal to merge with the American Federation of Teachers. "The head of the NEA explained, 'We're waiting for a gooder offer.'" (Premiere Radio)

The Biggest Hit: Yanni was the top-grossing pop music concert draw in the US during the first half of this year. "Linda Tripp was the No. 1 recording artist." (Premiere Radio)

Protect and Serve: "Ken Starr has requested that Web Hubbell receive secret service protection. Not of out security concerns, but so he finally has witnesses to testify against him. (Cybersatirist Bob Hirschfeld)