In The News...
Emperor Gates: Forbes magazine named Bill Gates the world's richest person, with a net worth of $51 billion. "Just to give you an idea of how much money that is, the Clinton administration has given him 'favored nation' status." (Steve Voldseth)
Good Guy: A man accused of impersonating a congressman was sentenced to nine years in prison. "Several major errors gave him away. He was still married to his first wife, he wrote a check that didn't bounce, and he'd never been stopped for drunk driving." (Jerry Perisho)
Thou Art Busted: In Pennsylvania, two Amish men were arrested for distributing cocaine. "Police got suspicious when they noticed a horse pulling a Camaro." (Conan O'Brien)
"Police knew something was wrong when they discovered a crack barn." (Paul Ecker)
"It was easy for police to figure out who the criminals were. They were driving the buggy with the spoiler." (Jeff Corveau)
Pitter-Pat: The American Heart Assn. this week sent 534 rubber brains in liquid-filled jars to all members of Congress, as part of the AHA's stroke awareness campaign. "It is believed these are the most brains ever assembled in Congress. When receiving his, Newt Gingrich initially thought someone had finally answered his lost-and-found ad. Ted Kennedy looked at the fake brain mass floating in liquid and remarked at how similar it was to his own. And Trent Lott tried to open his, but it was closed too tight." (Corveau)
New Punching Bag: Dan Quayle announced he will probably run for the Republican presidential nomination in the year 2000. "His timing is perfect. The country is getting sick and tired of Viagra jokes." (Argus Hamilton)
Silly: A Pennsylvania couple were amazed to find that the strange noise coming from their car engine was a cat stuck in the gas tank. "Apparently, it was a Catillac." (Rudolph J. Cecera)
Dumb: Pfizer pharmaceuticals has announced it will start advertising Viagra on TV. "Now, all they need is a good slogan. So far, the favorite suggestion is, 'Take a pill and be like Bill.' " (Argus Hamilton)
And Dumber: A panda walked into a sports bar, had a sandwich and a drink, then pulled out a gun. He shot up the mirrors, dishes, glasses, scared the customers and turned to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" the manager yelled. "I'm a panda. Look it up," he shouted as he went through the door. The bartender pulled out a dictionary, found the right entry and read to the crowd: "A tree-dwelling animal with black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves." (Hamilton)
Rich: Bill Gates topped the Forbes billionaire list at $51 billion. "Looks like the Bible is wrong. It should have read, 'The geek shall inherit the earth.' " (Hamilton)
And Richer: The Chinese government has banned writings about President Clinton's sexual escapades. "But they forget that Laugh Lines is on the Internet. So, for all our readers in China: "Bill Clinton scores more than the Dodgers." (Gary Easley)
Richest: The new Steven Spielberg movie, "Saving Private Ryan," nearly got an NC-17 rating due to extreme violence. "Charlton Heston calls it the feel-good movie of the summer." (Zack Taylor)
The Butchered David Letterman: Signs you're watching a bad Disney movie: