Ineffective Daily Affirmations

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

I am at one with my duality.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people at whom I can laugh.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

To understand all is to fear all.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?