In The News...

Fish Tales: Daniel Wyman, apparently trying for the year's Stupid Award, dropped explosives into an Illinois lake to kill fish. The wind pushed his boat over the charge as it exploded, killing him. Elsewhere, a lawyer fell overboard from a cruise ship and was last seen circling a school of frightened sharks. (LaLa Land Letter)

Foot in Mouth: The New York Post says Sen. John McCain of Arizona has apologized for making a joke about Chelsea Clinton being the child of Janet Reno and Hillary Clinton. "Washington is up in arms. The joke was distasteful, obnoxious...and so old." (Albert Perrotta)

Chuck Yuk: "We've just had the first day of summer, which makes me wonder: Does Charlton Heston sweat bullets?" (Perrotta)

Capital X: The "X-Files" movie was just released, starring David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, who uncover a parallel world of lies and deceit in which nothing is the way it seems. "It was filmed on location, in Washington DC." (Argus Hamilton)

St. Viagra: A New York man has purchased $1 million worth of Viagra and plans to donate it to the poor. "It may not be as good as giving them a job," says the Wall Street financial whiz who donated the money, "but it should take their minds off being poor for a while." (Ira Lawson)

The Good Book: Catholic bishops have called for an end to the appearance of sex and violence in the movies. "That could be the end of films based on the Bible." (LaLa Land Letter)

Shoe-Fly Lie: The producers of "Riverdance" have admitted that the sounds of the dancers' taps are pre-recorded. "I knew it. Nobody could be that annoying without help." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Think: Dan Quayle will run for the presidency of the United States in 2000. ("That's the joke.") (Chris Pina)

Thou Shalt Not: Actor Charlton Heston has been elected the new president of the National Rifle Assn. "Heston, as you know, played Moses in the 'Nine Commandents.'" (Dennis Miller)

No Loot: the federal government wants to make it harder for people to declare bankruptcy. "They're already doing that- it's called welfare." (Rudoph J. Cecera)

No Shift: Mitsubishi Motors has agreed to pay a record $34 million to settle sexual harassment claims. "In addition, Mitsubishi has agreed to change the name of its upcoming new car, the Bimbo." (Alex Kaseberg)

Va Voom: Gena Lee Nolin is leaving the show "Baywatch." "When asked what's next, Nolin said she's planning to pursue an acting career." (Andrew Wisot)

Star: Comic Relief's annual comedy show, starring Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal, aired on HBO for the benefit of the homeless people. "This was a very nice gesture. But how many homeless people have HBO?" (Argus Hamilton)

Ken Starrâs office admits it has been leaking stories about the Whitewater investigation....In fact, theyâve been leaking so much lately that insiders have taken to calling Starr the "incontinence counsel." (Bill Williams)

Yo, Latte?: Officials in Brazil say they have found a previously undiscovered tribe possessing unknown customs and speaking a never-before-heard language. They live in a nearly inaccessible portion of the Amazon rain forest. "Starbucks has arranged to open there early next week." (Miller)

Eeek: An Illinois man is suing a major airline, claiming he was bitten by a mouse on a flight from Cincinnati to St. Louis. "Witnesses, however, say the mouse was provoked. The man put his seat too far back and hit the mouse right in the knees." (Steve Voldseth)

No Bull: Once again, the Chicago Bulls are the NBA champions and Michael Jordan now has six rings. "He's only three behind Larry King." (Jay Leno)

Unbright: Los Angeles, instead of New York, will be host to the Grammy Awards. "The Spice Girls, excited about the news, said they hope to be invited to the ceremony next year and perhaps even get nominated for an Oscar." (Andrew Wisot)

Not Mensa: The Spice Girls kicked off their US tour in West Palm Beach, Fla. "The girls got confused, however, when they went to the beach and couldn't find the arena." (Wisot)

Sea World: President Clinton sent a letter of congratulations to honor the opening of the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. "clinton loves ocean life. On his last trip to Disney World, he brought the Little Mermaid back to his hotel room." (Argus Hamiton)

To Life: Tony Randall, 78, became a father once again. His wife gave birth to their second child. "Tony says he just wants to live long enough to see his kids graduate preschool." (Jay Leno)

Lesson Not Learned: Mitsubishi Motors will pay a record $34 million to settle a sexual harassment suit brought by female employees. "Even though they have to pay all this money, they still don't get it. Like the other day, they said they got a bad break in the case because the judge was a chick." (Leno)

STARR STUDDED: "The White House wants an investigation of Ken Starr's practices. The prosecutor says such an inquiry is time-consuming and intrusive. He commented while subpoenaing the Clinton's trash can." (Alan Ray)

"Entertainer Bob Hope and wife Dolores have been awarded papal knighthoods. The award caps a busy week for Hope, who was just awarded Death by the A.P. and Congress a few days ago." (Jim Rosenberg)

"A Rutgers University research team hailed as a breakthrough a new artificial prosthestic hand. The device is now undergoing rigorous testing by George Michael." (Rosenberg)

"After 13 years, John Stockton and Karl Malone of the Utah Jazz still haven't won a championship. That's the longest two people have been together without a ring since Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal." (Zack Taylor, Westwood One Radio Network)

Maynard G. Krebs: "Louisiana to execute a guy named Dobie Gillis Williams--hasn't he suffered enough?" (Michael Feldman)

Golden Oldie: This classic comes from Argus Hamilton: Two men meet at the Pearly Gates of heaven. The first man says, "How did you get here?" "I froze to death," the second man replies. "And how did you get here?" "I died of joy," the first man answers. "How does someone die of joy?" "Well," began the first man, "I cam home from work and the house was immaculate. I knew my wife must be having an affair. She wouldn't clean for me. So I searched the bedrooms, bathrooms, the entire upstairs, and I still couldn't find anyone. Then I saw flowers on the table, and I knew I was right. I searched under the furniture, in the basement, and I still couldn't find anyone. Then I smelled pot roast and I knew. But still, no one was in sight. I finally realized she must have done all this for me. I was so overwhelmed with excitement that I had a heart attack and died of joy." "Pal," says the other man, "if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both be alive today."