In The News...

Deja vu: A tabloid reports that Paula Jones has decided to get a nose job. "Is that such a good idea? Isn't there a chance Clinton might not recognize her and hit on her all over again?" (Jay Leno)

Hail to the Chief: Dennis Rodman was sued for sexual assault by a Las Vegas woman. She said he invited her to his hotel room and exposed himself. "This is major trouble. It's a federal crime to impersonate the president." (Argus Hamilton)

Clap Your Hands: Dan Quayle is hinting that he may run for president in 2000. "Well, he's sure got the comedy writer's vote." (Albert Cecera)

Water World: New York is reporting a shortage of lifeguards. "Well, actually, they are not that needed. I mean most of the people in New York waters are dead already." (Cecera)

Ten Lashes: A woman in Orlando, Fla., was convicted of unsafe driving while applying mascara in her car. "The actual charge was DUA- driving under the influence of Avon." (Gil Christner)

Hiccup: Scientists have been studying the behavior of drunken flies. "Of course flies get drunk. Why do you think they call it getting buzzed?" (Perrotta)

Blind Mating: David Weinlick married Elizabeth Runze after she applied for the job and was approved by his family and friends. "Well, that takes all the tension out of wondering how far to go on the first date." (Gary Easley)

More: At the marriage ceremony of Weinlick and Runze, the minister said, "You may now meet the bride." (Easley)

That's No Bull: What will happen to the bulls now that the NBA finals are over? Michael Jordan could retire, Scottie Pippen may get traded, and Dennis Rodman will join the Spice Girls as Nutmeg. (Perrotta)

Say Cheese: "The Monica Lewinsky layout in July Vanity Fair is selling out around the country. Penthouse rejected a nude video of Monica. Thought it was fake, since she wasn't wearing a beret." (LaLa Land Letter)

Mme. Prez: "The people who created Take Our Daughters To Work Day, the Ms. Foundation, have launched a drive to put a woman in the Oval Office by 1998. Someone ought to tell them Monica Lewinsky beat them to it." (Ira Lawson)

Tricky Ricky: "Rumor has it that Rick Schroder- of 'Silver Spoons' fame- may be replacing Jimmy Smits on 'NYPD Blue.' David Caruso's nightmare continues." (Albert Perrotta)

Prez Says: "The American Film Institute released its list of the 100 top movies of all time. President Clinton was among those polled. He said his all-time favorite was 'Casablanca,' followed by any flick that had the name 'Debbie' in its title." (Lawson)

Bucks for Yuks: Variety says Jim Carrey and Robin Williams make $25 million per movie. "So Congress shouldn't be afraid to vote themselves a pay raise. Americans have always felt that great comedians are worth every penny." (Argus Hamilton)

The Nose Goes: Paula Jones is reported to have had plastic surgery to reduce the size of her nose. "It's a good thing. Now she'll be able to turn around in her trailer." (Gayle Portnow)

Potatoe, Potahto: "When Al Gore congratulated the Bulls and said Michael Jackson was a great ballplayer, his mistake was no naive goof. It was shrewd strategy. He aims to split the idiot vote with Dan Quayle in the next election." (Hamilton)

Babygate: The first birth has been shown on the Internet. "And just out of habit, Bill Gates ordered Microsoft to film 100 births the next day, so he could corner the live-birth market." (Joshua Sostrin)

Frappuccino Frenzy: Two Starbucks in Seattle will soon offer liquor in their stores. "What's next? A Starbucks on every block?" (Andrew Wisot)

Oscar Part I: The U.S. Naval Academy was awash in controversy after revelations that a star football player who violated campus sex rules was allowed to graduate while others, including his lover, faced expulsion. "At graduation, the football star remarked, 'I'd like to thank the academy.' " (Johnny Robish)

Oscar Part II: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences says next year's Oscar ceremonies will be held on a Sunday for the first time. "Although the award show will start Sunday, the speeches will end on Tuesday." (Mark Wheeler)

Deep Star Impact: A newly discovered giant gas planet is believed to be 15 light years away from Earth. "But scientists think it's really just an image of Kenneth Starr." (Wisot)

Book 'Em: Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is shopping for a book deal. "The publishers at Simon & Schuster flipped a coin to see who would open his handwritten, four-page letter." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Audible Audits: The House of Representatives approved a massive overhaul of the IRS by a vote of 402-8. "When informed that he will be audited, House Speaker Newt Gingrich said, 'Did I say overhaul? No, I meant overall, that's it--overall, the IRS is doing great.' " (Alex Kaseberg)

If They Won't Sit, You Must Acquit: Johnnie Cochran is defending a couple of barking Rottweilers who belong to basketball star Ray Allen's mother. "He's claiming the barks were planted by LAPD K9 units." (Bill Williams)

Computer Banking: Windows 98 has finally arrived in stores. "It has some nifty new features. For example, the program can send your money directly into Bill Gates' bank account." (Premiere Radio)

Bogart This: "A close friend that Monica Lewinsky confided in, said that she and Bill did have a relationship, but it was basically like foreplay, and was never taken to completion.... Poor Clinton. Even in his love affairs he doesnât get to inhale." (Williams)