In The News...

Fornigate: "After five years of investigations, special prosecutor Ken Starr has finally found the smoking gun, and apparently it's in Clinton's pants." (Jay Leno)

Cirque du OJ: OJ Simpson said in an interview last week that he's still trying to bring the killers of his ex-wife, Nicole, to justice. "Hey OJ, forget about it. We tried that once. It didn't work." (Leno)

A recent dinner raised $25 million to preserve White House artwork. The money will replace carpets and broken china. "Sounds like a new dog and an angry wife to me." (Argus Hamilton)

A CNN legal analyst said we shouldn't assume Clinton is guilty. Everyone thought Richard Jewell was guilty, too, and they were wrong. "But you can't really compare Jewell to Clinton. One's a big Southern doofus, the other's a wealthy, respected former security guard." (Leno)

Neighborhood Watch: "Things are so bad that Washington, DC, police are distributing fliers in the neighborhood around the White House advising people that a sex offender is living in the area." (Leno)

Don't Ask, Don't Email: The Navy is threatening to expel a senior chief petty officer for announcing he was gay on a chat room on America Online. "A separate investigation is underway to determine how the Navy was able to get through to AOL on the first try." (Bob Mills)

Roe-gate: Last week was the 25th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. "Since then, millions of American women have used that right, secure in the knowledge that what they do with their bodies is between them, their doctors and Whitewater investigator Kenneth Starr." (Bill Maher)

Fornigate: The media have gone overboard with this story. "Jesus Returns. But first, our top story: the Clinton sex scandal." (Daily Scoop)

Tell me another Joke!