In The News...

Now Back to our Regularly Scheduled Humor: President Clinton said he's taking comfort in being contacted by the clergy. "Actually, it was just Jimmy Swaggart. He wanted Monica Lewinsky's phone number." (Jerry Perisho)

Hypocrisy 101: Feminists are surprisingly quiet about Clinton's alleged sexual indiscretions. "A spokeswoman for NOW says they won't condemn the prez unless he does something really offensive, such as making a joke about a pubic hair on a can of Coke." (Ann Harrison)

Bimbogate: "Remember a couple of years ago, when Clinton was telling young people they should wait to have sex? Now we know what he wanted them to wait for: him." (Leno)

Dornan Warnin': A spokesman for ousted Congressman Bob Dornan said the Orange County Republican will file reelection papers soon, officially tossing his straitjacket back into the ring.

Three Ways To Tell If Your Brain is Shrinking: (1) You go to work and think you left your wallet at home and return home, only to find you left it at work yesterday. (2) You think maybe Geraldo does have a point. (3) You think the president and OJ may be innocent. (Bill Williams)

And Speaking of Mr. Simpson: A School bus driver in Virginia has been accused of threatening noisy students with a knife. "Nice to see OJ working again." (Jay Leno)

Birthday Boy: Michael Jackson's son is now 1 year old. "If you haven't gotten him a present yet, a gift certificate for a lifetime of therapy is a pretty good idea." (Leno)

"A TV watchdog group wants curbs on sex and violence in news. Networks think that's too provincial. If they did, kids would grow up not knowing who the president of the United States is." (Alan Ray)