What the Job Ad Says; What It Means

Advancement opportunity -Shit job

Entry Level -Really a shit job

No experience necessary -The mother of all shit jobs

Administrative assistant -Shit job with a title

Ground floor opportunity -Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company - Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player -Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personalities -Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential -There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Public Relations Receptionist Professional appearance important -$20 K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner -Be the voice of 1-900-suck

Earn up to $300 per hour -Be 1-900-suck

Salary range $24K to $32K -The salary is $24K

Jeans job! -Minimum wage temporary job in concentration camp office

Will train -Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem

BA required, MA preferred -Must be a MA willing to work for a BA salary

Civil service -This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women/minorities encouraged -White males need not waste a stamp

Outstanding benefits package -Health insurance

Tons of variety -We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Top notch communication skills -Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locale -Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Secretary -Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary -The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated -You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate -We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable -We'll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary -We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job-period!

Competitive starting salary -Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere -A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere -Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere -Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere -Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday -Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self starter -Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means