In The News...

"WorldCom long distance phone company has announced it wants to buy MCI for $30 billion," says Jay Leno. "Their strategy is to keep calling MCI executives at home at dinner time until they agree to switch over."

"The Pentagon announced plans to fire a laser at an aging satellite to test the vulnerability of U.S. satellite systems. Maybe they can aim a little to the left and hit the Home Shopping Network." (Mark Wheeler)

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." --Winston Spear

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni