The Top 15 Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Date for Valentine's Day

1. Her eyes say "Yes" but her probation officer says "No."
2. When sober, he looks like Beavis. When drunk, he looks like Butthead.
3. Sure, the Mapplethorpe exhibit was provocative, but now you're stuck with those tickets for "Wrestlemania XII."
4. The big lug knows how to hang onto a girl, but clinging to the roof of the Empire State Building isn't your idea of a romantic evening.
5. He's hired three naked kids with little bows and arrows to "set the mood."
6. Upon closer inspection, that label reads, "Victoria's Secretions."
7. "Would you like some more wine, Mom?"
8. Any combination of the words "Susan" and "Powter" on her driver's license.
9. She tells the *waiter* that she isn't wearing any underwear.
10. He keeps hitting you up for an $8.5 million loan.
11. His 10 words-per-minute typing means you spend most of the night staring at your monitor.
12. The "hit" by the Giancomo Family was traumatic enough, but NOW you're stuck with the check.
13. Instead of "saying it with flowers," he says it with squash.
14. C'mon, webmaster AND part-time model? She's got to be making this stuff up.
15. Every time he pulls you close on the dance floor, his Siamese twin cops a feel.