In The News...

In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay Le Tourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student... Miss LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids call her, 'the greatest teacher of all time.' -- Norm MacDonald on SNL

"Cadillac will be begin production of a sport utility truck" says Alex Kaseberg. "Finally, a car that will negotiate that nasty gravel path behind the country clubhouse."

"Martha Stewart has sued the National Enquirer for $10 million for accusing her of being mentally ill," says Bob Mills. "She has already demonstrated how to make festive holiday decorations out of shredded subpoenas."

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money." --Kevin Meaney

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " --Larry Miller

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright