Personal Ads explained

HANDSOME Handsome, but freaks out if you spill wine on his trousers. Looks over your shoulder, into a mirror, when he talks to you. Checks his reflection in shop windows.

HEAVY ROCK, INTO Deaf. Stoned. Both.

HOMELOVING Woman: compulsive cleaner; freaks out if you spill a drop of wine on her table cloth. Man: likes to stay home with a six-pack and a large bag of Doritos, watching soccer on TV. Slob.

HORROR MOVIES AND BOOKS, INTO Wears a black cape and sleeps in a coffin. If you accept a date, wear a garlic necklace.

HUMOROUS Maniacally so; knows Monty Python parrot sketch by heart and repeats it over and over, laughing to himself.

INTELLECTUAL Brooding. Talk non-stop about obscure Peruvian philosophers, Leibniz' monads, Gestalt. A complete bore.

INTERACTS WITH MOVIE STARS Works as a waiter in a bar patronized by out-of-work actors.

INTERIOR DECORATOR Gay.

INTERIOR DECORATOR, SUCCESSFUL Gay and rich. (What more do you want?)

JOGGING, RUNNING, ETC. Talks incessantly about cartilage trouble, Achilles tendons, running shoes; permanently exhausted. Do not expect sexual activity.

LARGE Unbelievably overweight. Man: great mounds of flesh spilling out of clothes. Sweats profusely. Woman: wears bell tents; has double chin that looks like Elizabethan ruff.

LATE FORTIES Receiving old-age pension